God, it's been awhile since I've updated this space ever since I moved to Dayre. Haven't been very active there too but at least I do update once every 2 days (I guess). Sometimes dayre is a little too public since I have my friends following me (even tho it's just 3 of them). Sometimes, I feel that I just need a little space to rant my feelings at. I've been feeling so down it's eating me up. Although I have a private twitter account to rant at but this time I just feel that 140 characters aren't enough and I feel the need to type out a whole chunk of words.
I hate it when I grow too attached to my friends, I start to feel a bit too much. It's like... to me they're probably my very very close friends or even best friends, but to them, I'm probably just a normal good/close friend.When I care too much about them, every little thing they do affects me greatly. It's so unhealthy because I get sad so easily when I feel that I am becoming unimportant to them (if I ever was). And when I'm so affected by whatever they did, I have to act like I'm totally cool about it or else I'll just be seen as too clingy/weird. That's probably one of the things I fear most - being too clingy, because it'll probably scare them away.
Overthinking is so unhealthy but I can't help it when I start to care too much. It's like... for example, this really close friend of mine is absent from school and I asked if he/she has gotten the notes for the day's lecture from another friend or does he/she needs them from me (hoping it's the latter) but he/she tells me that he/she has already gotten from that another friend. This kind of little thing makes me overthink so much like, am I not smart enough that you don't want the notes from me? Are we not very close friends? Am I not doing well enough? Am I even what I think I am to you? etc etc. It just gets me questioning about our friendship and where do I exactly stand in his/her heart. I know little things like this shouldn't even affect me like crazy because when you think logically, it's totally normal. What's more, that friend is, in fact, so much cleverer than I am.
When I overthink and start to think that the person whom I treat as my very close friend, doesn't feel the same way, I will kind of shut myself from them and drift apart. Until they start to talk to me (which kinds of make me feel better), I will not take any action. Is this considered as having a high ego?? I have no idea but I hate how I'm always like this.
I guess I just want someone to know me well enough to know when I'm putting up a show and when I'm exactly comfortable being myself. I just hope someone can see through me so I can stop hiding and just feel a little better. It's like I'm practically putting on a mask everyday, because if I show too much it may be unacceptable for some people, and it may cause them to leave me.
If this is how life is, I am definitely not handling it well even after 18 years of living.
