I feel so disoriented. Like, everything in my life is so out of place, everything is so horrible, everything is just awful.
I feel so horribly fat. I haven't weighed myself because I don't have the courage to. I tell myself no more snacking on Chinese New Year goods, because I will regret after that. I see myself getting fatter each day. I have a bulging stomach that I try to hide every God damn day. That's probably the only that can be hidden because my flabby thighs, huge calves, chubby face, and flabby arms cannot be. I feel so ugly, I just want to suck every disgusting unhealthy cell out of my body. Sometimes I really do wonder if I suffer from serious body image issues. I hate how I look so much. My face is bumpy as heck I don't even know how to cure them. I want to exercise but fuck me, I always forget to set the alarm for a morning jog and that's the only time I feel the best to jog. I feel so horribly disgusted by how I look and how I think, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep it off, I can't eat it off, I'm lost.
I feel so unappreciated. I spent the day yesterday baking healthy food, making healthy food. I baked a banana loaf that required no sugar at all. It was pretty alright. I also baked some chocolate chip cookies using coconut flour, which turned out disgusting because it was more of a cakey texture rather than a crunchy cookie texture. But I read in the comments and that was actually how the "cookies" were suppose to turn out. I made blueberry jam too! Again, that required no sugar, and I would say that went pretty good as well. Apart from all those beautiful successes, I feel so unappreciated because my sister doesn't eat them, nobody is eating them. I was the only one excited for whatever that I've made. I try to keep everyone so healthy by making these kind of snacks myself but all they think is what the actual fuck am I doing, why am I wasting so much money on these kind of healthier options, when in actual fact they taste the same as the cheaper and more unhealthy ones. I can't drill my concept of wanting everything as natural, as healthy as possible into their heads because they don't and won't understand.
They would think I'm crazy, wasting so much time. All I wanted was for them to enjoy these healthier things and feel guiltless, as compared to eating the unhealthy ones. But no, they don't understand and all I've done was just treated as nothing.
I just... really want to be appreciated.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so angry because of all those. I'm so angry I just want to crush something, punch the wall, everything. Probably a new discovery that I hurt myself to get over anger? But I would never get into cutting myself because I don't wanna die. I'm so angry, I just want to cry but I don't want to be a cry baby because honestly there's nothing to be crying about. I have no idea where did all these strong emotions come from, like all of a sudden I woke up this morning and I feel so horrible about not being appreciated.
Believe me, I wake up everyday feeling so ugly about my body. I try to steer my thoughts towards the "healthier side" by thinking it's about the inside. Get over how you look because at the end of the day, if you attitude is shit, you can't really get anywhere even if you have a great body. But what if I can't even do well on the inside and the outside is the only way that I can change?
All these emotions are so jumbled up and irrational, I really need help but I don't know what will cure them. God, it's so horrible.
