For the longest time I have felt like I didn't matter to anyone at all. It's like I'm that one friend that people has yet can't get rid of. Not sure why they haven't gotten rid of me though. Probably I don't know how to make myself scarce.
Sometimes I crave the feeling of being important so much it feels like I'm chasing the sun - something I will never achieve no matter how much I try. I don't have a friend that is "with me" because it's either they already have a friend that is "with them", or they have a boyfriend. Don't we all know how this works? Once someone gets into a relationship, friendship will always come second. No matter how much they deny it and prove that they do actually spend quality time with their friends too, let's face it, almost 90% of their time is invested into their partners. I'm probably being very unreasonable here because, pardon me, I have never gotten into a relationship before. Maybe I'll never understand until I get into one, god knows when.
Anyway, it sucks feelings like an option. It feels like my friends hang out with me because they have to (since I still exist in a small part of their life). It's unfair though, to think of them that way, because I haven't got to understand how their point of view. Then again, would they even admit how little I mean to them? Probably not.
I hate how people belittle the words they say. I hate how they say things and don't mean it. Like, why even say something like we are going to visit a certain place together when you are going to end up going to that place with somebody else? You make me have expectations when you say those words, then when you do otherwise, it's like you leaving me high and dry. I know they were just words spoken, no promises. Still, they are words coming out of your mouth and please, don't say things you don't mean it because it irks me so much.
Consumed by this overwhelming emotions every god damned time, it drives me insanely insane and so tired. It sucks how overly emotional I am because I get so affected I can't think straight. It's like my entire being is ruled by my emotions and that's bad because I let my emotions do the thinking, which most of the time is stupid.
It's always the two extremes. I get either too angry or too sad and that sets my mind off. I know how extreme my emotions get and have been trying to tame them. Like, whenever I get too angry, I try to isolate myself and talk some sense into myself. Not that it helps but it calms me down enough to not do anything too stupid (because sometimes I still do stupid things, just that they're not TOO stupid...). Sadness is a thing I find hard to control. I get so sad I isolate myself automatically. Typing these feelings out seems to ease things just enough for me to get through them.
I isolate myself so much it's almost as if I'm always so sad/angry. I wish to say I'm already numb to those emotions because I get them so often but no, it never happens.
It hurts so bad I just want to feel nothing again.
