No, I did not go to a professional to get it diagnosed. Self-diagnosed, relying on the internet's basis. Seems like the right thing to do.
Not only do I have some sort of disorder, my emotions are so all over the place.
I'm in a constant battle with myself daily. It's so tiring but everyday the same thing repeats.
No, I'm not at a point of suicidal. Have never been suicidal my whole life and I don't plan to be any time soon.
I hate it when passing by some places, reminds me of the past. It hurts so freaking bad. Even though nothing ever really happened between us, but because of you, because of your words, I let my guards down. For the first time in so long, I let my guards completely down and poured everything to you. I trusted you. The security I felt when you said you will always be there for me, I clung onto it. You knew I would never ever initiate something, let alone going to you when I am feeling awful. The best part is that you could somehow see through me. No matter how hard I tried keeping those emotions in, you saw right through me. It warmed my heart. It warmed my heart because you understood me. I haven't had a friend like this before, honestly.
Up till this day, I'm still very puzzled why did you just leave like this. Why did you just stop contacting me? I don't know what I have I done. It hurts so bad, so so much, especially when I'm in the dark of the reasons.
You made me let my guards down. It felt so good to let everything out for once. Yet, you left me like how the others did. You left me with nothing.
While you are probably one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, you also at the same time destroyed me. You destroyed my faith, my trust. You made me incapable of anything.
I am incapable of trusting anyone with my emotions. I was on my guard when it came to trusting people with my emotions. I wanted to trust someone with everything yet there just weren't someone appropriate. There you were, peeling me layer by layer and eventually gotten to the core of me. I wouldn't say you were exactly at the core but you were so damn close.
I had my doubts on you but for some stupid reasons, you steered my thoughts right the other way, making me banish whatever bad thoughts I had. Walls were down, floodgates were opened. Except, I didn't cry.
Now that you're gone just like that, my walls are once again up, thicker than ever.
I'm lost.
