Recently I've been doing this thing whereby I get lazy to reply people and ended up leaving conversations hanging for weeks. Though I've replied to everyone (I think), the cycle repeats after they have replied to me (leaving the conversation for a few days/weeks before I reply again). I know it's a terrible habit, I am trying to get better but sometimes it's just so hard.
I'm in this mood whereby my moods are like some crazy swing, swinging from one extreme end to the other. Sometimes it gets so mentally tiring, even I'm so tired of myself. It would be a miracle if I am still left with friends after everything.
That being said, it leads me to another point. I'm so easily pissed off by every little thing. No, not just pissed but I get crazily emotional as well! It's like I get pissed off when people obstruct me, like when taking public transport and everyone just pisses me off. Some of them just can't stop pushing when I'm already so squished I don't even have any space anymore. Also, it pisses me off when people don't control their kids in public places! Like, how can you just let them run around screaming like some unleashed mad dog? I can't fathom how parents can let their kids embarrass themselves in public like this. I'm baffled.
Recently my family has been in chaos because grandma were hospitalised for quite awhile and her situation doesn't look good. Not even now, even when she's discharged. If you don't already know, my grandmother stays under the same roof as I do, so yup, she's back at home. Now she just seems a bit senile to me. I'm sorry to say this but I'm frustrated. I'm aware I'm just a horrible person for not empathizing her but I just can't help it! Just because she heard the news that she had an ACUTE stroke and actually has recovered since it's so damn acute, she went all baby-ish. Not in a whiny way but she just digested the news that she's paralysed. ?????????? Please be reminded that she has recovered from the stroke! She lies on the bed all day long, refusing to move because she thinks she's gonna die (at least I thought that's what she thought). And the words she says are just so incoherent it frustrates me to no end!
Yes, you're probably thinking I'm a horrible person because after all, she's an elderly with sickness, it should be understandable. BUT I JUST CAN'T! I know I'm horrible too.
And the chaos continues because dad wanted me to check something about grandma's medicine which the doctor wanted her to stop consuming, I got pissy. I know I should but I did. I mean, why can't he do it himself? Does he have no eyes to look for it himself? I helped him anyway but very unwillingly. Of course he could sense it because it was all over my face and I was throwing the medicine on the table (sorry, I'm childish like that.). Then he started lecturing me on how unhelpful I am and how much of a shitty attitude I have. Well, I don't feel a sense of remorse at all.
If you know my dad, he is a fucking lazy person, pardon my language. Every little things he wants somebody to do it for him. And his stupid excuse would be "I'm tired.". Well, news flash, everybody is. You know, things just pile up. He tells my sister and I to do every single shit for him, I got so mad which led to the medicine sorting issue.
Am I wrong to have done what I did? I honestly thing I'm not wrong. Well, maybe to a certain small extent because after all he's the breadwinner and I should respect him since he's my dad. But it's just so annoying that he tells me to do every single shit.
While a part of me felt so frustrated, so pissed, another part of me feels sad because of how things have come to. It's like I'm not in good terms with any of my family members other than my sister. It makes me sad that he can just say that I have a shitty attitude when I've done so many things for him (those that he didn't ask me to do). Yes, I'm probably the current biggest bane of his existence because I am the gold digger, always getting money from him (studies wise and living expense wise). But if you think about it, if I graduate with a degree and get a decent job, he can retire peacefully as well. Isn't that for his benefit after all? (I'M SO HORRIBLE, I KNOW.)
I'm just in a really horrible state. I'm horrible, my state is horrible.
I hate that I have a family which isn't supportive like how they should be. I need a space to study at home, yet no one is willing to cooperate. It annoys me so much. My mother occupies the whole room all for herself, only living the bed for my sister and I, and a few cupboard spaces for our clothes. My study table is all taken up by her. My dad turns on the TV even when he knows he wants to sleep. He turns on and starts snoring on the sofa. ??? JUST DON'T EVEN TURN ON THE FKING TV PLS. I am a person who needs absolute quietness when it comes to studying. A little bit of noise, that's it, I'm distracted and my productivity drops to negative.
Basically, yup, nobody freaking cooperates I don't even want to live here anymore.
