63: Last of 2015

2015... what do I say? It's been crazy. Many things happened, good and bad. Probably one of the years with the most roller coaster rides I've ever been on, in my 18 years of living. Figuratively and literally. Experiences lots of first times and probably also a fair few of last times. Gotten closer with people I've never thought I would be close with, drifted apart from people whom I too have never thought would. Grown into a more matured lady? Yeah, somehow maybe in some way I have. I've probably grown into someone colder just because I just gradually started taking somethings lightly and couldn't care less. My emotions, however, still do get out of control very easy in some way and I still am trying to tame it. (Sounds weird, HAHA) 

First time staying out till as late as midnight for a few consecutive weeks.

First time drinking alcohol probably (as in, I used to take sips from dad's/mum's wine) Wtf, I'm now like an alcoholic.

First time cabbing so much like I have a bank filled with unlimited cash.

First time riding a roller coaster.

First time seeing a celebrity by chance.

First time sneaking out of the house at night.

First time getting tipsy, close to drunk.

First time chopping off a huge amount of hair. (used to trim my hair little by little just because I couldn't bear to)

First time letting a dog chew on my fingers. (used to be so afraid of dogs I wouldn't even go near them)

First time crying so hardcore in a movie theater.

First time pointing the holy finger at my dad right in his face. (not very proud of it)

There are probably more but yeah, these are the ones that impacted me more. I have also gotten the last time that I'm able to stay out late till after 12am because I was doing it so much, too much that it reached my dad's limit. It's horrible to the extent that this rule even imply to my sister. (Oopsy)

I am someone whose friendships aren't stable, walking on thin line most of the time. Mostly due to my emotions, I suppose. However, God is very good to me to allow me keep a handful of them. I am very thankful because they understand me, better than other people. They are the ones who are able to tolerate my nonsense and my roller-coaster-like emotions. In 2015, I'm lucky to say I have gotten even closer to a few of those that I hold very close to my heart. 

Shit happened, we drifted apart. We probably tried to make everything back to how it was before, it however did not work. No doubt, I miss our friendship. I miss every part of it, because you are a really good friend in a way, you are the very few that I feel matches me a lot. It's like we are so similar in many ways. I wished we were able to go back to how things were. But I guess it's true when they say some things will never be the same anymore and, what's meant to be, will be. I hate having to make myself believe that our friendship isn't meant to be but I have done whatever I can, even out of my comfort zone. Things still didn't get better. Time will tell and I genuinely hope you are one of the very few that's gonna be in my future. 

Thank you for letting me experience so many cool and hippy stuff that I never thought I would. Also, thank you for being that adventurous friend with me (despite the fact that you don't take roller coaster rides), letting me explore so many things. I am grateful. Thank you for the memories.

I feel like our friendship is one of a kind, in good way. I don't really talk about my own dramas with you and most of the time you are the one sharing. I am so comfortable with you I wouldn't have to filter my brain before saying anything to you. Legit. So glad you came back to Singapore a few times this year and even though I'm so busy, I'm glad I took time to meet you and spend some quality time. One day I will be the one flying there to look for you.

A friend I hold very close to me, thank you for sticking with me since Day 1. Thank you for accepting me for who I am, even though sometimes I piss you off like mad because of my attitude. I am grateful for having a friend like you who doesn't care about my exterior flaws and constantly make me feel like I'm not that ugly after all. Thank you for listening to my rants, which I rarely share with my poly friends, and standing by my side, and also making me feel better by reassuring things. Couldn't ask for more, really. Thank you for being the very motherly friend, telling me to never skip meals because it's making my health deteriorate. We have gotten so much closer in 2015, spending so much quality time together, which I really love.

Has it been 11 years? or 12 years? We've known each other for so long I sort of lost count. HAHA. We have gotten so much closer in 2015, in a way that we met up more often, spent more quality time together. I'm so glad to have you all these years. Thank you for always listening to my nonsensical dramas, and also making me feel better every time. I don't really share about my family problems with anyone, so thank you for listening and for trying to make things better for me. I am so thankful for you I can't even put it into words. 

Another friend I'm so thankful for. We haven't spoken to each other for about 6 months because of a quarrel and I'm so glad we found each other back. I never want that to happen again. Thank you for always being there for me and making me feel better every time. Thank you for being siao siao with me, and also always making me laugh till my tummy ache till I thought I was gonna grow some abs. After knowing you for what, 5 years? This is the first time I'm seeing you so enthusiastic about being a vegetarian and it warms my heart because I really like it when my friends find being a vegetarian interesting and wants to try having that kind of diet. (I hope you will eat more veggies, HAHAHA) 

There are many friends that I am also thankful for, like my GZBs and my "night life" clique. Thank you for being you and also accepting me and my troublesome needs. *LOVE*

Maybe 2015 wasn't that bad of a year after all, but I hope 2016 will be better. So, here's to a better year ahead!!! 

62: -

Another of those times when Dayre is too public for my fucked up thoughts.

My emotions are a tad too intense these days and sometimes it gets on my nerves. I get extremely jealous/angry/sad so easily. I am aware of what's causing me to be like this but I can't do anything to make it better and that sucks. A lot.

Never thought that this group of friends would be the one making me develop this kind of negative emotions. But it happened. Maybe I was too optimistic. Maybe I thought after being out of my Secondary School, feeling left out will never happen to me again since the friends I have in poly are all Chinese. Seems like I've made a mistake because differences in race is not the only factor causing be to left out. Not being able to hang out till late is also another factor I've discovered. It sucks to have curfew but it has never come across my mind that having curfew will lead to me being left out.

Just... so many things have changed within weeks it's pretty scary.

Never thought that I would one day be replaced but ultimately, I did. Maybe it's me overthinking but everything just seems to be whatever I've predicted. It hurts my heart so much it's like, I can literally feel my heart "dropping".

Here's a thing about me: whenever I feel left out, I will start to distant myself away from the person, a group in this case. I mean... since they are happy without me then I guess my presence don't really make any difference, isn't it. After all, I will just be a burden to them whenever we go out since I am a vegetarian. Not many people are able to embrace the fact that they have a vegetarian friend because they have to trouble themselves, looking for food places that caters to vegetarians as long as the food they want.

I don't know.. Sometimes it just feels like I'm totally over reacting but sometimes I just.. I just wished they would include me in their plans even though they know I wouldn't be able to make it. It's weird but, I mean, isn't it better to know that at least they thought of you while planning rather than excluding you in their decision. Right?

It's like I'm back to my Secondary school days again, can't wait to get out of the school. I really have the very strong urge to stay away from them after I graduate from Poly. Maybe things will get better, maybe it won't.

But, really, somethings won't be the same anymore, just like what had happened between one of my very close friends and I. I'm so tired of trying so hard to make everything right again because everything just get even worse. I constantly have this fight in my head: Do I let it be? Or do I continue trying so hard without knowing what the outcome may be like?

It's so heartbreaking, I'm on the verge of breaking down. I mean, who even likes being replaced? No one, I bet. It makes me feel so worthless and that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I'm just so unqualified.

I try to hard to smile and be happy but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm so tired of putting on a mask almost everyday. I promised myself I will try my best to be happy and just forget about all these negative thoughts. Then again, there's always a but, the person causing all these negativity happens to be the one who is with me everyday in school. How is it even possible to forget about the negative thoughts?

Ultimately, I just want my carefree and happy life back. That, however, seems kind of impossible now because everything surrounding me is so negative.

61: A little bit of letting out

God, it's been awhile since I've updated this space ever since I moved to Dayre. Haven't been very active there too but at least I do update once every 2 days (I guess). Sometimes dayre is a little too public since I have my friends following me (even tho it's just 3 of them). Sometimes, I feel that I just need a little space to rant my feelings at. I've been feeling so down it's eating me up. Although I have a private twitter account to rant at but this time I just feel that 140 characters aren't enough and I feel the need to type out a whole chunk of words.

I hate it when I grow too attached to my friends, I start to feel a bit too much. It's like... to me they're probably my very very close friends or even best friends, but to them, I'm probably just a normal good/close friend.When I care too much about them, every little thing they do affects me greatly. It's so unhealthy because I get sad so easily when I feel that I am becoming unimportant to them (if I ever was). And when I'm so affected by whatever they did, I have to act like I'm totally cool about it or else I'll just be seen as too clingy/weird. That's probably one of the things I fear most - being too clingy, because it'll probably scare them away.

Overthinking is so unhealthy but I can't help it when I start to care too much. It's like... for example, this really close friend of mine is absent from school and I asked if he/she has gotten the notes for the day's lecture from another friend or does he/she needs them from me (hoping it's the latter) but he/she tells me that he/she has already gotten from that another friend. This kind of little thing makes me overthink so much like, am I not smart enough that you don't want the notes from me? Are we not very close friends? Am I not doing well enough? Am I even what I think I am to you? etc etc. It just gets me questioning about our friendship and where do I exactly stand in his/her heart. I know little things like this shouldn't even affect me like crazy because when you think logically, it's totally normal. What's more, that friend is, in fact, so much cleverer than I am.

When I overthink and start to think that the person whom I treat as my very close friend, doesn't feel the same way, I will kind of shut myself from them and drift apart. Until they start to talk to me (which kinds of make me feel better), I will not take any action. Is this considered as having a high ego?? I have no idea but I hate how I'm always like this.

I guess I just want someone to know me well enough to know when I'm putting up a show and when I'm exactly comfortable being myself. I just hope someone can see through me so I can stop hiding and just feel a little better. It's like I'm practically putting on a mask everyday, because if I show too much it may be unacceptable for some people, and it may cause them to leave me.

If this is how life is, I am definitely not handling it well even after 18 years of living.

60: Dayre

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. So, a few days ago while I was on Dayre reading some "blogs", I was so drawn to the stickers because they are so damn cute!!! Yeah, which leads me to trying to figure out my login details after so long.

I will be posting there a lot more than I am doing here because it's super convenient to "blog" over there on-the-go. Feel free the check out my Dayre (https://dayre.me/jiellyiyiyi)!! :)

59: WAZZAP

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! As I've mentioned previously, Carel and I vlogged our day and the video has finally been finished editing and uploaded! (Feel free to subscribe/like) :p

58: HOLIDAYS!!!!!

HI EVERYBODY!!!! Yes!!! The long waited holiday is finally here!! How have I been? So fucking bad. Examinations had officially made me go bonkers and I doubt I've recovered from it. Haven't been blogging in the longest time and it feels as though I forgotten how to blog already. What's important is, I'm back! However, I have no idea how long will I be staying this time. There's probably no one viewing this site anymore. It doesn't matter, does it? HAHA.

Holidays started about a week ago and I've been going out every single day I'm not even kidding. It's like I can almost feel a burnt in my pocket. That's how bad going out everyday has got me. Complains aside, I really enjoyed every outing as they are all a little catch up since exams have got us drowning in books.  Lets skip the part of me blabbering about little details on what happened during those outing, shall we? (basically it means pictures time)

USS with my GZBs

Yes, finally! I have been waiting for this day for so long because I have only ridden the roller coasters once despite having went there for 5 times... How pathetic because whenever I go, it will always be under maintenance. HOW ANNOYING. It's okay, I forgive my rotten luck since I finally get to ride it again now!! Yeppie!!! Wanted to ride a few more times but the waiting time got me like "CAN THEY JUST OPEN ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER IN USS?! (most preferably something more thrilling) " YES, 1 HOUR ++ JUST FOR A RIDE. Feel the agony, everyone. Anyway, Tatiana wasn't feeling well either so I had to ride it with some strangers. Totally fine with it because I really just want to ride it. Seasonal pass has made my life so much easier because now I can go there anytime I want, as long as I have someone accompanying me. Duh, it will be so weird to go alone. 

We took a whole lot of pictures but then almost all of it contains our default faces so I shall not post all of them here.

Left to Right: Sheena, Alanis, Tatiana, and myself

Another picture with our default faces. Now you get what I mean.

Vlogging + CaféHopping day with Carel 

Like I've said, exams got us drowning in books we haven't had the chance to café hop in the longest time. And now, FINALLY. We went to Artistry (located at Bugis) which she got her lunch fixed and I my granola craving fixed. Oh and, I drank coffee. ME. COFFEE. YES. YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT WRONG. I mean, if you know me well, you would've known that I am not the person who fancy drinking coffee. Contradicting as it is, I am actually drinking coffee at this very day. Usually the only coffee I drink is Starbucks' Mocha Frappe which doesn't even have any coffee taste to it at all. 

Over at Artistry, trusting my taste for Mocha, I ordered a hot Mocha. Guess what? It sucked. Too bitter for my taste till my taste buds almost died if not for the brown sugar they provided. Overall, this café isn't that bad. Probably I really ain't the type to drink coffee. BUT I AM LEARNING. 

Uh-huh, I mentioned vlogging earlier on. YES, we vlogged our whole day out (including the part when I left my house, I was awkward as fuck) The video will be up very soon and I will be sharing it here as well! In case you didn't already know, Carel and I started a YouTube channel awhile ago and have already posted some videos. However, something cropped up and we had to create another new account and re-upload all our videos. All is well now, and I will be sharing the link here as soon as the new video goes up!

Look at her preparing to vlog HAHA.

We went for a very very little retail therapy at Suntec and I've got myself an over-sized pullover from the Men's section over at Cotton On.

Do not judge me, I tried on some horribly dark red lipstick and looked like an evil witch.

We went to chill at Clarke Quay since we had nowhere to go. Sometimes the fact that Singapore is just a tiny red dot, pisses me off so much because we have so limited places to go to. However, travelling from a place to another is definitely so much faster here compared to other bigger countries. Okay... Back to where I was, we met Jeff at Clarke Quay too and sat there for awhile before Carel's sudden craving for soups came up, which leads us to going to Vivo's Soup Spoon. And ended our day there!

MY INDO GIRL IS BACK!!!

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?????? I've missed her so much!!! Hate that she came back during my exams and for only a week, because that means I don't have much time to spend with her. :( However, I met her right after my last paper and chilled at her house with some movies. It felt so nice to have here back in SG again even though it was just for awhile. Anyway, we properly went out on a Wednesday. I feel like an adult because I treated her to Lady M (which really burnt a huge hole in my pocket) but it didn't matter since I only see her once in a while. 

Nothing can go wrong with chocolate. *salivating*

I had my chamomile tea while Bella had peppermint tea. 

Even though it was a rather short duration spent together, what matters most is the person whom I'm spending it with. Looking forward to the next time I'll be seeing her, which is very very soon. Wait for it. 

Skirt day with Tatiana

Met Tatiana for our long waited karaoke session and then movie thereafter. 

As usual, I was late which means we couldn't have lunch together as we had to rush to our karaoke booking. Oopsy. What's an outing without me being late HAHA. 

We watch Mission Impossible together and homaigod it was so good. 

GV's nachos are to die for

The movie was so good yet there were many people telling me it was as good/it sucked. I truly enjoyed the movie and loved every part of it. Is it my expectations are too low or they have weird judgments? I have no idea but THE MOVIE WAS SO DAMN GOOD.

We had bingsu for dinner and it was so tasty and filling. Pardon me, I forgotten to snap a picture of the yummy chocolate bingsu as I was too eager to dig in. Anyway, the bingsu place is called Nunsaram (located at Orchard Central). People say it's just a sub branch by OmaSpoon so I wasn't expecting much. But I did spot a difference which is the flavours they offer. There were more at Nunsaram if I'm not wrong. 

More picturessssssssss~

Another day out with my indo girl (!!!)

Last time I'm seeing her before she flies back to SG again. I'm thinking one day I might just fly there and visit her for awhile, while exploring Jakarta too. The problem lies with my dad because the freedom that I'm gaining now is kinda limited :( 

Anyway, brunch at Bella's house and then spent a whole good 2 hours waiting for her to get ready while I lazy on her bed. Headed to town after that and we were planning on some window shopping again, try on some clothes here and there, until her sudden wardrobe malfunction. HAHAHA. We spent close to an hour in the fitting room trying to fix her dress' zipper but failed. So we just bought an outer wear for the time being and went to find another new dress to replace it, and the requested for a refund for the outerwear that we desperately bought. (Life hacks 101) 

Headed to ION SKY as she have been wanting to go ever since she touched down SG. The view was spectacular it was a pity we couldn't watch the sunset as we had to leave the place by 6:30pm (stupid rules they had for public visitors). 

Pardon me, I looked hideous as fuck

Shopped around at ION for a little while before we headed to Somerset for dinner at Supply&Demand. Yum yum in my tum tum. Pardon me again, I was too eager to feast on the delicious pasta I forgotten to take a shot of the food. #sorrynotsorry 

Went home after that because her heeled pair of Converse was killing her feet. :( 

AFTER SO LONG. YUMMMMMM.

Gonna miss you so much please come back soon!!!! ♥

-

Yeap, that's pretty much my holiday so far. Determined to work as much as I can because I am so broke :( 

And also, I'm so damn scared for my results which will be posted up in 20 days' time (omg someone hold me please) remodule for at least 1 module is for sure. Sigh, wish I studied earlier but what's done is done. I can only face the music. Somebody please drag me away from reality.

57: -

"I don't feel like I'm (terribly) important to anyone anymore. I just kinda exist in people's lives." 

56:

Sometimes I wish things didn't change.

I don't know how our friendship landed into this state but I definitely didn't see this coming. How do I salvage it? The only I can do is to step out of my comfort zone and make the first move, isn't it? I would gladly do it if "self-esteem" didn't existed. I would gladly do it if I wasn't afraid of rejection. I wish things will go back to normal at the snap of my fingers but unfortunately that isn't gonna happen. 

55: Singapore Art Museum

Yoohooo~
warning: long post ahead

A few days ago, I went to visit Singapore Art Museum with Carel with a motive of wanting to try their photo booth. Anyway, met her at Bugis and as usual, I WAS LATE. HAHAHA. Bought bubbletea and went took the bus to CHIJMES and had to walk for awhile to the museum. The weather wasn't cooperating at all. So bloody hot!

Finally arrived at the museum and we were in awe because even the exterior was so pretty. We couldn't say no to such view so we took some pictures along the "hallway".

Sorry I just had to. HAHAHA.

Went on into the museum and it was free because we are students. What a pleasant surprise. Took a few pictures of different art pieces. 

This was very cool as it was made from sand paper! How cool.

Don't have the slighted idea what was this art piece about but I liked the angle I took this picture. HAHAHA.

Different shades of my favourite colour!!!

The shadow made from this object is so cool.

If I'm not wrong, this was made from chalk. COOOL.

No slightest idea what is this but it was freaking creepy so I faster moved on from this area.

Trying to look artistic

Really love this particular picture that I took for Carel.

Exited from that "section"(?) of the building and went to take some "artistic" pictures with the white wall. HAHAHA.

I swear I can't pose.

You sense the "feel"? HAHAHA

For some reasons, this looks a bit like the signature Marilyn Monroe pose. HAAHA.

I can't keep a straight face.

I actually love this picture quite a lot.

Saw this Lee Kuan Yew art piece and it was so nicely done. So cool.

He passed on a few days ago on 23 March 2015...

Rest in peace, Mr Lee.

Moving on, we went to walk around to visit more galleries but apparently we came at the wrong time as most of them were under construction. :( So we went to SAM8Q where the photobooth is! However, when we reached there, there was a long queue so we went to explore the galleries. Most of them were very kiddish I have no idea why.

 

Really nicely done doodles on the wall, though.

Especially love this particular gallery in SAM8Q because it was all handmade by the visitors who visited this place (I suppose). So very pretty.

SO MANY KNITTED PIECES.

After that, we went to the photo booth and took 4 times. We looked horrible in the second one so we wanted to take more. HAHAHA. 

3 phrases of Carel posing. 

Thinking hard on what to pose

Still thinking very hard.

Decides to swing my head. HAHAHA.

Exited the museum and went to Starbucks to chill while we wait for jeff as we planned to have dinner together. Went to Tiramisu Hero and lost our way while on the way there. HAHAHA. However, we found the place ultimately. We sat at the small table right in front of the counter and ya, it was very difficult eating on such a short table. Anyway, the service was really horrible. I have no idea what kind of day did the waitress went through but she was giving us the very unhappy face the moment we stepped into the cafe. She even sort of banged our cups of water on the table and gave the menu to us very rudely. BAD BAD BAD SERVICE.

Anyways, Jeff and I settled for Mac 'n' Cheese while Carel had Aglio Olio. The Mac 'n' Cheese was a very small portion which didn't even filled my stomach. After we finished the food, we left the place promptly as we didn't want to stay there any longer due to the bad service.

Went to Dhoby Ghaut as we wanted to get Nookie but we got carried away while talking and decided to go to Substation's Timbre in the end. It was something like a bar or pub hahaha. My virgin experience! Anyway, we were sweating a lot as the place wasn't air conditioned and we had to wait for a very long time for an available seat due to the huge crowd. 

While waiting at the bar.

We finally got a seat around 1 hour later. Gosh. Anyway, we quickly ordered our drinks while we enjoyed the band's music. So damn good. I would love to visit this place again. 

Cheers!

We left the place at around 12 am. There wasn't any train service anymore so we had to cab home. We cabbed home separately as we were living in different places. 

Couldn't remember what I did when I reached home because I was tired as hell. Of course I did took a bath. HAHAHA.

Okay I shall end this lengthy post now. TOODLES~