62: -

Another of those times when Dayre is too public for my fucked up thoughts.

My emotions are a tad too intense these days and sometimes it gets on my nerves. I get extremely jealous/angry/sad so easily. I am aware of what's causing me to be like this but I can't do anything to make it better and that sucks. A lot.

Never thought that this group of friends would be the one making me develop this kind of negative emotions. But it happened. Maybe I was too optimistic. Maybe I thought after being out of my Secondary School, feeling left out will never happen to me again since the friends I have in poly are all Chinese. Seems like I've made a mistake because differences in race is not the only factor causing be to left out. Not being able to hang out till late is also another factor I've discovered. It sucks to have curfew but it has never come across my mind that having curfew will lead to me being left out.

Just... so many things have changed within weeks it's pretty scary.

Never thought that I would one day be replaced but ultimately, I did. Maybe it's me overthinking but everything just seems to be whatever I've predicted. It hurts my heart so much it's like, I can literally feel my heart "dropping".

Here's a thing about me: whenever I feel left out, I will start to distant myself away from the person, a group in this case. I mean... since they are happy without me then I guess my presence don't really make any difference, isn't it. After all, I will just be a burden to them whenever we go out since I am a vegetarian. Not many people are able to embrace the fact that they have a vegetarian friend because they have to trouble themselves, looking for food places that caters to vegetarians as long as the food they want.

I don't know.. Sometimes it just feels like I'm totally over reacting but sometimes I just.. I just wished they would include me in their plans even though they know I wouldn't be able to make it. It's weird but, I mean, isn't it better to know that at least they thought of you while planning rather than excluding you in their decision. Right?

It's like I'm back to my Secondary school days again, can't wait to get out of the school. I really have the very strong urge to stay away from them after I graduate from Poly. Maybe things will get better, maybe it won't.

But, really, somethings won't be the same anymore, just like what had happened between one of my very close friends and I. I'm so tired of trying so hard to make everything right again because everything just get even worse. I constantly have this fight in my head: Do I let it be? Or do I continue trying so hard without knowing what the outcome may be like?

It's so heartbreaking, I'm on the verge of breaking down. I mean, who even likes being replaced? No one, I bet. It makes me feel so worthless and that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I'm just so unqualified.

I try to hard to smile and be happy but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm so tired of putting on a mask almost everyday. I promised myself I will try my best to be happy and just forget about all these negative thoughts. Then again, there's always a but, the person causing all these negativity happens to be the one who is with me everyday in school. How is it even possible to forget about the negative thoughts?

Ultimately, I just want my carefree and happy life back. That, however, seems kind of impossible now because everything surrounding me is so negative.