63: Last of 2015

2015... what do I say? It's been crazy. Many things happened, good and bad. Probably one of the years with the most roller coaster rides I've ever been on, in my 18 years of living. Figuratively and literally. Experiences lots of first times and probably also a fair few of last times. Gotten closer with people I've never thought I would be close with, drifted apart from people whom I too have never thought would. Grown into a more matured lady? Yeah, somehow maybe in some way I have. I've probably grown into someone colder just because I just gradually started taking somethings lightly and couldn't care less. My emotions, however, still do get out of control very easy in some way and I still am trying to tame it. (Sounds weird, HAHA) 

First time staying out till as late as midnight for a few consecutive weeks.

First time drinking alcohol probably (as in, I used to take sips from dad's/mum's wine) Wtf, I'm now like an alcoholic.

First time cabbing so much like I have a bank filled with unlimited cash.

First time riding a roller coaster.

First time seeing a celebrity by chance.

First time sneaking out of the house at night.

First time getting tipsy, close to drunk.

First time chopping off a huge amount of hair. (used to trim my hair little by little just because I couldn't bear to)

First time letting a dog chew on my fingers. (used to be so afraid of dogs I wouldn't even go near them)

First time crying so hardcore in a movie theater.

First time pointing the holy finger at my dad right in his face. (not very proud of it)

There are probably more but yeah, these are the ones that impacted me more. I have also gotten the last time that I'm able to stay out late till after 12am because I was doing it so much, too much that it reached my dad's limit. It's horrible to the extent that this rule even imply to my sister. (Oopsy)

I am someone whose friendships aren't stable, walking on thin line most of the time. Mostly due to my emotions, I suppose. However, God is very good to me to allow me keep a handful of them. I am very thankful because they understand me, better than other people. They are the ones who are able to tolerate my nonsense and my roller-coaster-like emotions. In 2015, I'm lucky to say I have gotten even closer to a few of those that I hold very close to my heart. 

Shit happened, we drifted apart. We probably tried to make everything back to how it was before, it however did not work. No doubt, I miss our friendship. I miss every part of it, because you are a really good friend in a way, you are the very few that I feel matches me a lot. It's like we are so similar in many ways. I wished we were able to go back to how things were. But I guess it's true when they say some things will never be the same anymore and, what's meant to be, will be. I hate having to make myself believe that our friendship isn't meant to be but I have done whatever I can, even out of my comfort zone. Things still didn't get better. Time will tell and I genuinely hope you are one of the very few that's gonna be in my future. 

Thank you for letting me experience so many cool and hippy stuff that I never thought I would. Also, thank you for being that adventurous friend with me (despite the fact that you don't take roller coaster rides), letting me explore so many things. I am grateful. Thank you for the memories.

I feel like our friendship is one of a kind, in good way. I don't really talk about my own dramas with you and most of the time you are the one sharing. I am so comfortable with you I wouldn't have to filter my brain before saying anything to you. Legit. So glad you came back to Singapore a few times this year and even though I'm so busy, I'm glad I took time to meet you and spend some quality time. One day I will be the one flying there to look for you.

A friend I hold very close to me, thank you for sticking with me since Day 1. Thank you for accepting me for who I am, even though sometimes I piss you off like mad because of my attitude. I am grateful for having a friend like you who doesn't care about my exterior flaws and constantly make me feel like I'm not that ugly after all. Thank you for listening to my rants, which I rarely share with my poly friends, and standing by my side, and also making me feel better by reassuring things. Couldn't ask for more, really. Thank you for being the very motherly friend, telling me to never skip meals because it's making my health deteriorate. We have gotten so much closer in 2015, spending so much quality time together, which I really love.

Has it been 11 years? or 12 years? We've known each other for so long I sort of lost count. HAHA. We have gotten so much closer in 2015, in a way that we met up more often, spent more quality time together. I'm so glad to have you all these years. Thank you for always listening to my nonsensical dramas, and also making me feel better every time. I don't really share about my family problems with anyone, so thank you for listening and for trying to make things better for me. I am so thankful for you I can't even put it into words. 

Another friend I'm so thankful for. We haven't spoken to each other for about 6 months because of a quarrel and I'm so glad we found each other back. I never want that to happen again. Thank you for always being there for me and making me feel better every time. Thank you for being siao siao with me, and also always making me laugh till my tummy ache till I thought I was gonna grow some abs. After knowing you for what, 5 years? This is the first time I'm seeing you so enthusiastic about being a vegetarian and it warms my heart because I really like it when my friends find being a vegetarian interesting and wants to try having that kind of diet. (I hope you will eat more veggies, HAHAHA) 

There are many friends that I am also thankful for, like my GZBs and my "night life" clique. Thank you for being you and also accepting me and my troublesome needs. *LOVE*

Maybe 2015 wasn't that bad of a year after all, but I hope 2016 will be better. So, here's to a better year ahead!!! 

62: -

Another of those times when Dayre is too public for my fucked up thoughts.

My emotions are a tad too intense these days and sometimes it gets on my nerves. I get extremely jealous/angry/sad so easily. I am aware of what's causing me to be like this but I can't do anything to make it better and that sucks. A lot.

Never thought that this group of friends would be the one making me develop this kind of negative emotions. But it happened. Maybe I was too optimistic. Maybe I thought after being out of my Secondary School, feeling left out will never happen to me again since the friends I have in poly are all Chinese. Seems like I've made a mistake because differences in race is not the only factor causing be to left out. Not being able to hang out till late is also another factor I've discovered. It sucks to have curfew but it has never come across my mind that having curfew will lead to me being left out.

Just... so many things have changed within weeks it's pretty scary.

Never thought that I would one day be replaced but ultimately, I did. Maybe it's me overthinking but everything just seems to be whatever I've predicted. It hurts my heart so much it's like, I can literally feel my heart "dropping".

Here's a thing about me: whenever I feel left out, I will start to distant myself away from the person, a group in this case. I mean... since they are happy without me then I guess my presence don't really make any difference, isn't it. After all, I will just be a burden to them whenever we go out since I am a vegetarian. Not many people are able to embrace the fact that they have a vegetarian friend because they have to trouble themselves, looking for food places that caters to vegetarians as long as the food they want.

I don't know.. Sometimes it just feels like I'm totally over reacting but sometimes I just.. I just wished they would include me in their plans even though they know I wouldn't be able to make it. It's weird but, I mean, isn't it better to know that at least they thought of you while planning rather than excluding you in their decision. Right?

It's like I'm back to my Secondary school days again, can't wait to get out of the school. I really have the very strong urge to stay away from them after I graduate from Poly. Maybe things will get better, maybe it won't.

But, really, somethings won't be the same anymore, just like what had happened between one of my very close friends and I. I'm so tired of trying so hard to make everything right again because everything just get even worse. I constantly have this fight in my head: Do I let it be? Or do I continue trying so hard without knowing what the outcome may be like?

It's so heartbreaking, I'm on the verge of breaking down. I mean, who even likes being replaced? No one, I bet. It makes me feel so worthless and that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I'm just so unqualified.

I try to hard to smile and be happy but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm so tired of putting on a mask almost everyday. I promised myself I will try my best to be happy and just forget about all these negative thoughts. Then again, there's always a but, the person causing all these negativity happens to be the one who is with me everyday in school. How is it even possible to forget about the negative thoughts?

Ultimately, I just want my carefree and happy life back. That, however, seems kind of impossible now because everything surrounding me is so negative.