69: Breakdown

It feels like everything is falling apart.

I just finished my presentation for a module awhile ago, and it went horrendous.

I prepared so much for it. I tried memorising my script which I did, but having a script on my hand made me so automatically look at it every time. "You are just basically reading from the script", my teacher simply said while commenting on my presentation. This simple sentence hit me so hard, I feel like I'm being crumbled into many tiny pieces. 

It felt like my hard work did not paid off at all, it felt like I was accused of not knowing my work well. But what he doesn't know was that I am not suppose to be in charge of that part that I was presenting about. Everyone was assigned a role which they are suppose to focus on and only three person from the group are to present. This also meant that I had to present on a part which I wasn't assigned to focus on, other than my own part. 

Just because I did not know how to answer that question he asked me which was not that part that I was assigned to focus on, it felt like I did not contribute to the whole project at all. 

I tried so hard to make everything perfect, but I still failed in the end. I feel so thrown off, so demoralised. It's like I will never do things well. Doing everything will never be enough. So traumatised.

It's like an emotional breakdown whereby everything I do will never be enough. I thought everything will go well, everything is under my control but no, everything just started going the opposite way.

I don't know, it's just so depressing.

68: Who cares

It's been awhile. And I'm here to rant again.

One of my favourite things to do is probably writing/blogging when I'm angry/sad because almost every time I feel so much better after that. Which is why I'm always here to rant instead of sharing my happiness (that's not very good, but, well...).

I wonder what is the age when women go through menopause because I have 2 women in my house, one of them is way past that menopause stage while the other, I'm not sure. You can probably guess that I'm talking about my Grandma and Mother.

It feels like my mother is crazy. It feels like she may be depressed. Or probably just going through some normal woman process, menopause. It gets on my nerves whenever she starts raging over the littlest things and then very skillfully links those issues to my attitude (which to her is a terrible attitude problem). When she does that, she probably goes on for an hour or even the whole day, I'm not even joking. Sometimes it feels like she is depressed because, sadly, no one in the house really talks to her other than my sister. Yes, you probably already know that I have a broken family if you have been here for a long time. If not, don't be shocked because it's rather normal these days.

A little brief interlude:
Dad and mum had a really serious quarrel about a decade ago (which I shall not mention what was it about) and nearly divorced. They probably stayed together for the sake of my sister and I because we were rather young that time. Ever since then, they haven't been talking and most of the time my sister and I will be their messenger which we hate a lot because it always causes miscommunication and most of the time we get scolded for nothing since they scold each other indirectly through us (complicated but I think you can understand). So ya, they haven't been talking other than quarreling (again) once in awhile.

Let's continue with the post.

So, yeah, my sister kind of dislikes mum too because she's so damn unreasonable and probably every negative word you can name. Including evil. She's evil and I'm not even exaggerating.

The thing with my mum is that when she's in high spirits, she can say that she will give you this, give you that, buy you this, buy you that. But when she's in a bad mood/quarrels with you, she takes away everything that she has given you before. That's how stupid her actions are. Which is also where I learn to buy everything myself (unless I can't afford, which I will go to my dad for help).

It's probably rather clear by now that my mum is closer to my elder sister than she is to me. Yeah, so she buys everything for my sister and since my sister is the kindest to her, unlike me because I voice out whatever, they rarely quarrel. However, there was once when they quarreled and my mother took everything away from my sister (and even the most basic thing: giving allowance). How ridiculous. Because of that, my sister had to work like crazy just to be able to "survive". (don't get me wrong, my dad still provides our necessities just that he doesn't give my sister allowance and doesn't know about the quarrel between my mum and sister) So ya, she learnt her lesson to never trust my mother again.

My point is, I super hate my mum. Who cares if I regret this in future, but now I really hate her and this has never changed since years ago. I can't even remember the time when I actually liked my mother. Sorry to say, this is how much of a failure she is as a mum. I can't tell this to my friends because they probably won't understand and may even find it ridiculous that I hate someone who has carried me in her stomach for 9 months. Try living as me for a few months and tell me if you can stand her. Because I fucking can't.

She just quarreled with me yesterday for not replying her text (just because I was studying) and just now when she was about to head out, she fucking threw my shoes on the floor from the shoe rack. What the bloody hell. I swear, she's probably already hit my limit so many fucking times but I just breathe in breathe out and tell myself she's probably having menopause or just depressed because she really seems like a depressed patient to me. I wonder if I will one day be driven crazy by her crazy actions.

Sometimes I think she has senile dementia too because she's so damn childish, it's like her brain is deteriorating. But I would like to believe this illness doesn't happen to people at her age (I'm probably crazy to be saying this).

Save me.