69: Breakdown

It feels like everything is falling apart.

I just finished my presentation for a module awhile ago, and it went horrendous.

I prepared so much for it. I tried memorising my script which I did, but having a script on my hand made me so automatically look at it every time. "You are just basically reading from the script", my teacher simply said while commenting on my presentation. This simple sentence hit me so hard, I feel like I'm being crumbled into many tiny pieces. 

It felt like my hard work did not paid off at all, it felt like I was accused of not knowing my work well. But what he doesn't know was that I am not suppose to be in charge of that part that I was presenting about. Everyone was assigned a role which they are suppose to focus on and only three person from the group are to present. This also meant that I had to present on a part which I wasn't assigned to focus on, other than my own part. 

Just because I did not know how to answer that question he asked me which was not that part that I was assigned to focus on, it felt like I did not contribute to the whole project at all. 

I tried so hard to make everything perfect, but I still failed in the end. I feel so thrown off, so demoralised. It's like I will never do things well. Doing everything will never be enough. So traumatised.

It's like an emotional breakdown whereby everything I do will never be enough. I thought everything will go well, everything is under my control but no, everything just started going the opposite way.

I don't know, it's just so depressing.