67: What in the world

Disappointment floods through my body, every part of it. Having to never thought of you as the person as you are, it caught me off guard. I wished what I heard was just a bunch of lies, a joke even. Although it has only been about 2 years or so, the time spent together meant so much to me. Never a time I thought those memories meant nothing.

I wished you haven't been so narrow minded but you would probably say I don't understand what you are going through and have no rights to tell you what to feel. Being a person whom have experienced what you had, probably had it even worse than you do, I do feel like I can wholly understand what the situation put you through.

Pretense. Putting up a strong front. Acting like it didn't mattered. Living life like I was okay with everything that was happening. I had done all of those for 4 years. I suppose I have enough experience to earn me the right to say that what you are going through is not as bad as what I had gone through.

I wished you knew how much I treasure our friendship. Silly me, thought you could still be the one I turn to a few years down the road. I don't and never will understand why are you still hanging on to what happened because it wasn't as bad as you put it. It sure does look like you don't trust us enough with the friendship because you wouldn't have felt what you did for a long time. Sure, it hurts to be put through that situation. I totally understand because I have been hurt the same way. I left the people who caused me to hurt that way only because they didn't mattered (they were probably some forced friendships). But you, you meant something to me. Our friendship mattered. At least that's what I thought.

For our friendship, I would look past every negativity, every tiny little bit that may ruin the friendship the wrong way. I would. I had. Only because I treasure the friendship and don't want it to end that way. Apparently I was the only one who was willing to do that.

I wish I can "unhear" what was said to me, but I can't. Disappointment. Disgust. Confusion. Anger. Everything at once. I thought we were going to be okay at some point but after what was told to me, I got my answer: We will never be okay.

It sure does hurt but since you want it to end this way, I can't do anything. It probably made it easier for me to move on because I was utterly disgusted but there will always be a small part of me that feel sad and wasted that this friendship is over.

As much as this post looks like a self-pity post, it's not. I just feel the need to type out these thoughts since they have been eating me up.

Goodbye my friend, thanks for the memories.

66: Here we go again

Again, the need to type out a whole chunk of feelings. Before that, I am having mixed feelings about the holiday ending. I'm happy because I feel like I'm ready to work hard again (which I highly predict the streak to only last for a maximum of 1 month). However, sad because I haven't really thoroughly enjoyed my holidays (well, I spent half of it getting fat and lazing at home and the other half slogging away). I initially planned for myself to have some me-time during this holidays like going for a movie alone, shopping alone, chill in a cafe alone, etc. But I have only shopped alone for the whole 2 months long holiday :( I mean, I tried going to watch a movie alone but there just wasn't any nice movies to watch so it wasn't my fault right... As for chilling in a cafe alone, I haven't came across any nice cafes to chill at. (Trust me to come up with ridiculous explanations to convince I'm not at fault)

Moving on to my main point of this post, I feel so stuck.

I have no idea why but I seem to always get attached to people so easily. Even spending 2 days working together has made me grown attached to the staff there. What in the world??? Okay before this sounds wrong any further, by growing attached, I don't mean it romantically but just that feeling... I have no idea how to put it. It's like I feel sad because I only work with some of the staff for only 2 days and I'm gone forever. As in, I won't be scheduled at the same store again because firstly, this week is my last week (due to school reopening). Secondly, I was only scheduled at the store because they were short of staff on that 2 days. Which means there's no need for me to stay as long as they have enough staff. What's more, they have more stores which will need part-timers to cover and that's when I come in handy.

I guess I'm feeling this way because the staff there are just so friendly (except for one which we will not let her ruin the good impression of other staff). I love how they always try their best to make me feel comfortable by chatting with me (since I'm such an anti-social). I would want to visit them during my free time but it's not like I have any reasons to since I'm not THAT close with them... I feel like I've grown attached "one-sidedly". Like, to them, I'm probably just another part-timer, come and go sort of thing. God, this always happens. The more I type, the more I have no idea where I'm heading to. To simplify it, I guess I just miss working with the people I've worked with. What sucks is that they probably don't feel the same way...