67: What in the world

Disappointment floods through my body, every part of it. Having to never thought of you as the person as you are, it caught me off guard. I wished what I heard was just a bunch of lies, a joke even. Although it has only been about 2 years or so, the time spent together meant so much to me. Never a time I thought those memories meant nothing.

I wished you haven't been so narrow minded but you would probably say I don't understand what you are going through and have no rights to tell you what to feel. Being a person whom have experienced what you had, probably had it even worse than you do, I do feel like I can wholly understand what the situation put you through.

Pretense. Putting up a strong front. Acting like it didn't mattered. Living life like I was okay with everything that was happening. I had done all of those for 4 years. I suppose I have enough experience to earn me the right to say that what you are going through is not as bad as what I had gone through.

I wished you knew how much I treasure our friendship. Silly me, thought you could still be the one I turn to a few years down the road. I don't and never will understand why are you still hanging on to what happened because it wasn't as bad as you put it. It sure does look like you don't trust us enough with the friendship because you wouldn't have felt what you did for a long time. Sure, it hurts to be put through that situation. I totally understand because I have been hurt the same way. I left the people who caused me to hurt that way only because they didn't mattered (they were probably some forced friendships). But you, you meant something to me. Our friendship mattered. At least that's what I thought.

For our friendship, I would look past every negativity, every tiny little bit that may ruin the friendship the wrong way. I would. I had. Only because I treasure the friendship and don't want it to end that way. Apparently I was the only one who was willing to do that.

I wish I can "unhear" what was said to me, but I can't. Disappointment. Disgust. Confusion. Anger. Everything at once. I thought we were going to be okay at some point but after what was told to me, I got my answer: We will never be okay.

It sure does hurt but since you want it to end this way, I can't do anything. It probably made it easier for me to move on because I was utterly disgusted but there will always be a small part of me that feel sad and wasted that this friendship is over.

As much as this post looks like a self-pity post, it's not. I just feel the need to type out these thoughts since they have been eating me up.

Goodbye my friend, thanks for the memories.