70: Addressed

Maybe they will wonder, "why the sudden change of attitude?", "what went wrong?", "what's happening here?".

Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.

Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.

One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.

I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.

Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.

Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.

Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?

As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.

This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.