Words that I couldn't get out of my mouth because of my ego, my pride.
Words that I wished I told you.
Words that I wished you knew.
Words that hurt so much.
Words that will mend everything.
Words that I wished I said.
Words that triggered everything.
Words that broke us.
The pride and ego I value so much. It ruins everything and saves everything at the same time. Sometimes it hurts to think back. Sometimes I miss the memories so much I just want to live in there. I wished things didn't turn out this way. As much as I kept saying I'm glad how everything turned out, deep down inside, I wished things turned out the other way around. I know how bad it is and I know that staying away is for the best because we are just people with totally different wavelengths.
I miss you guys.
But I know this is for the best.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Saturday, October 8, 2016
71: Love yourself
It suddenly struck me that many people in this world find it hard to love themselves. Surely they do love some parts of themselves but definitely not everything. As much as I would love to reiterate that our outer appearance is just a shell and what really matters is the inside, I am one of those people who doesn't love their outer appearance enough that it eats me up every time.
I listed a whole list of the things I hate about my body, top to bottom. I did it with an intention of trying to love those flaws in another way but I ended up backspacing whatever I typed because I realised I can't and never will love them flaws.
I wish I can learn to love
my ugly hay-like hair, my hair which doesn't absorb any colours since it fades into the same shade of brown every time.
my pair of small, almost non-existent eyes.
my round face, filled with pimples and never a day with clear skin.
my ugly arms and legs filled with weird pinkish red dots with can't be cured.
my flabby arms, flabby stomach, flabby thighs.
my backne.
my small boobs.
my huge elephant thighs.
my ugly round and huge toes.
my broad feet.
my chubby fingers.
I wish I could but I couldn't find a way to love them another way.
I listed a whole list of the things I hate about my body, top to bottom. I did it with an intention of trying to love those flaws in another way but I ended up backspacing whatever I typed because I realised I can't and never will love them flaws.
I wish I can learn to love
my ugly hay-like hair, my hair which doesn't absorb any colours since it fades into the same shade of brown every time.
my pair of small, almost non-existent eyes.
my round face, filled with pimples and never a day with clear skin.
my ugly arms and legs filled with weird pinkish red dots with can't be cured.
my flabby arms, flabby stomach, flabby thighs.
my backne.
my small boobs.
my huge elephant thighs.
my ugly round and huge toes.
my broad feet.
my chubby fingers.
I wish I could but I couldn't find a way to love them another way.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
70: Addressed
Maybe they will wonder, "why the sudden change of attitude?", "what went wrong?", "what's happening here?".
Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.
Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.
One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.
I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.
Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.
Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.
Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?
As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.
This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.
Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.
Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.
One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.
I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.
Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.
Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.
Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?
As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.
This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.
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