Sometimes I wonder why do I have to go through all these shit.
"I will always have your back." the friend said.
"Don't worry about those who left. I'm here for you." the friend said.
Little did I know, those were just simply words said over a couple of drinks. Had they been words which were spoken when tipsy? I'd never find out. As much as I hate to admit, it was kind of heartbreaking.
Since the beginning, I have always been questioning the friendship. Every time in my head. Was it a real or fake friendship?
It hurts. A little. Not gonna lie, I actually invested my genuine friendship feelings into it. I had though this friendship was hard to come by, too good to be true. I was gonna treasure it, because good things are hard to come by and when life presents it to you on a silver platter, you take it and treasure it with all you can. Maybe I was being foolish. May I've lost trust in friendships like this, I just wanted to feel again. How fortunately that this friend came along, built my trust in friendships again. Also, how unfortunately, this friend had made me lose trust once again.
Now I am back to square one, probably just a little better considering the fact that I have a clearer picture of who are the genuine people in my life. Not surprisingly, they had been the ones there since day one.
It feels like I'm just a typical troubled teen with all these friendship problems. I reckon I would have love problems on top of it if I was in a relationship. The thing is, am I still a teen with 20 years old coming on this year? Am I still allowed to have such problems?
It might seem ridiculous that I am still facing these kind of problems at this age (no, it's not exactly old but it's not exactly young either) because what I have pictured years ago, wasn't like this. (another corroboration of how expectations always lead to disappointments)
People my age would have have been matured by this age, silly friendship problems would have long gotten out of the way. Nope, those were just what I thought.
Same shit different people, they say. I couldn't agree more right now.
Am I taking this too seriously? I seem to over-react all the time. But again, every friendship to me is treated with all seriousness. Well, limiting to the fact that I do leave things hanging every once in a while. BUT. That's only because I got freaked out. When new people get too close, too fast, I bolt. I just can't.
I just need a reason to explain your actions.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
76: Have I changed at all?
All these reflections on 2016 got me thinking, how much have I exactly changed over the past few years?
2011, I had been a typical teenage girl, crushing on some (handsome) guy. Things did not worked out well but it has been an on and off thing for close to a year. Inside this dreamy teenage girl lies an emotional teenage girl as well. Emo tweets, attention seeking Facebook statuses, endless rants about specific people on blogger, we have all been through that (or at least I have).
I used to get so oversensitive over the littlest things, they always fuck with my head so much. I get consumed by them every damn time.
I was heartbroken (LOL), it was ridiculous considering the fact that nothing even ever started. (Told ya I was an oversensitive and over-reacting kid).
Had some stupid friendship problems too, this was normal at that age. Trust me. We were all so fucked up I'm starting to think if my generation will ever not be fucked up. Anyway, those friendship problems did not impact me as much because I kinda got used to being treated like an option, or rather, transparent.
You could tell my secondary school life was utter bullshit. I got through it anyway, so kudos to me.
2014, poly life!!! Here, I thought life was gonna change for good because I was (or still am, currently) enrolled into a course that I saw no familiar faces in. I was thrilled. Socializing all over again, which I hate with a passion even up till now, but it had to be done. Let's just say poly life was kind of shitty as well.
I'm not exactly done with it but seeing it is coming to an end, it is safe to say it's shit.
I've had my fair share of happiness but all the downs are not enough to cover up. All those downs made me remain the way I was/am. Oversensitive, over-reacting over the slightest issues, friendship problems, yada yada.
I'm still the same me, just that I don't do those embarrassing emo tweets/attention seeking Facebook statuses/ rants about specific people on blogger anymore.
I probably used more of my brain but sometimes (mostly) the heart wins.
No, actually I'm not the same me. The same me wouldn't have been so closed off to the world, she wouldn't have deleted people from her life. But I did. Over the years, I've basically become more anti-social and built up more walls.
Will I eventually be changed for the better in future? Well, who knows what the future holds.
2011, I had been a typical teenage girl, crushing on some (handsome) guy. Things did not worked out well but it has been an on and off thing for close to a year. Inside this dreamy teenage girl lies an emotional teenage girl as well. Emo tweets, attention seeking Facebook statuses, endless rants about specific people on blogger, we have all been through that (or at least I have).
I used to get so oversensitive over the littlest things, they always fuck with my head so much. I get consumed by them every damn time.
I was heartbroken (LOL), it was ridiculous considering the fact that nothing even ever started. (Told ya I was an oversensitive and over-reacting kid).
Had some stupid friendship problems too, this was normal at that age. Trust me. We were all so fucked up I'm starting to think if my generation will ever not be fucked up. Anyway, those friendship problems did not impact me as much because I kinda got used to being treated like an option, or rather, transparent.
You could tell my secondary school life was utter bullshit. I got through it anyway, so kudos to me.
2014, poly life!!! Here, I thought life was gonna change for good because I was (or still am, currently) enrolled into a course that I saw no familiar faces in. I was thrilled. Socializing all over again, which I hate with a passion even up till now, but it had to be done. Let's just say poly life was kind of shitty as well.
I'm not exactly done with it but seeing it is coming to an end, it is safe to say it's shit.
I've had my fair share of happiness but all the downs are not enough to cover up. All those downs made me remain the way I was/am. Oversensitive, over-reacting over the slightest issues, friendship problems, yada yada.
I'm still the same me, just that I don't do those embarrassing emo tweets/attention seeking Facebook statuses/ rants about specific people on blogger anymore.
I probably used more of my brain but sometimes (mostly) the heart wins.
No, actually I'm not the same me. The same me wouldn't have been so closed off to the world, she wouldn't have deleted people from her life. But I did. Over the years, I've basically become more anti-social and built up more walls.
Will I eventually be changed for the better in future? Well, who knows what the future holds.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
75: Saying sorry
It's hard to get it out of your mouth if your ego is as high as the sky. But guess what? It might just turn out to be the best thing that you've done if you just say that one simple word.
You could have saved a friendship (or any relationship).
You could have been more well-liked (just because you say the right thing at the right time).
You could have brighten up someone's day being that one of the very few who are willing to say sorry when they know it's their fault. (actually directing this more to salespersons)
Well, you could have made many more positive things happen. It's limitless.
Saying sorry doesn't have an age limit.
You can be as old as 99 years old, making a mistake and you still have to say that simple word even if it's to a person decades younger than you are.
You can be a parent but when you've done something wrong, you gotta say sorry to your kid.
You can be a customer and done something wrong, you again have to say sorry to the salesperson despite "customer is always right".
It's like we don't say sorry enough these days. Of course, I'm not saying we should say sorry every single time over the littlest or the stupidest things. Say it but at the right timing.
Maybe if people didn't value their ego so much. The world would probably be a better place.
You could have saved a friendship (or any relationship).
You could have been more well-liked (just because you say the right thing at the right time).
You could have brighten up someone's day being that one of the very few who are willing to say sorry when they know it's their fault. (actually directing this more to salespersons)
Well, you could have made many more positive things happen. It's limitless.
Saying sorry doesn't have an age limit.
You can be as old as 99 years old, making a mistake and you still have to say that simple word even if it's to a person decades younger than you are.
You can be a parent but when you've done something wrong, you gotta say sorry to your kid.
You can be a customer and done something wrong, you again have to say sorry to the salesperson despite "customer is always right".
It's like we don't say sorry enough these days. Of course, I'm not saying we should say sorry every single time over the littlest or the stupidest things. Say it but at the right timing.
Maybe if people didn't value their ego so much. The world would probably be a better place.
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