77: I just need a reason

Sometimes I wonder why do I have to go through all these shit.

"I will always have your back." the friend said.
"Don't worry about those who left. I'm here for you." the friend said.

Little did I know, those were just simply words said over a couple of drinks. Had they been words which were spoken when tipsy? I'd never find out. As much as I hate to admit, it was kind of heartbreaking.

Since the beginning, I have always been questioning the friendship. Every time in my head. Was it a real or fake friendship?

It hurts. A little. Not gonna lie, I actually invested my genuine friendship feelings into it. I had though this friendship was hard to come by, too good to be true. I was gonna treasure it, because good things are hard to come by and when life presents it to you on a silver platter, you take it and treasure it with all you can. Maybe I was being foolish. May I've lost trust in friendships like this, I just wanted to feel again. How fortunately that this friend came along, built my trust in friendships again. Also, how unfortunately, this friend had made me lose trust once again.

Now I am back to square one, probably just a little better considering the fact that I have a clearer picture of who are the genuine people in my life. Not surprisingly, they had been the ones there since day one.

It feels like I'm just a typical troubled teen with all these friendship problems. I reckon I would have love problems on top of it if I was in a relationship. The thing is, am I still a teen with 20 years old coming on this year? Am I still allowed to have such problems?

It might seem ridiculous that I am still facing these kind of problems at this age (no, it's not exactly old but it's not exactly young either) because what I have pictured years ago, wasn't like this. (another corroboration of how expectations always lead to disappointments)

People my age would have have been matured by this age, silly friendship problems would have long gotten out of the way. Nope, those were just what I thought.

Same shit different people, they say. I couldn't agree more right now.

Am I taking this too seriously? I seem to over-react all the time. But again, every friendship to me is treated with all seriousness. Well, limiting to the fact that I do leave things hanging every once in a while. BUT. That's only because I got freaked out. When new people get too close, too fast, I bolt. I just can't.

I just need a reason to explain your actions.