74: Conflicted

A guy.

He whom I have known for close to 3 years.
He whom I have been classmates with for close to 3 years as well.
He whom I have never spoken to much, even if we have project groups.
He whom I have never thought that I would cross paths with on a personal level.
He whom I had a bad impression of, initially.

He does unexpected things like giving my birthday present when I didn't know we were at that level already. He does unexpected things like cutting the slice of mushroom that we are sharing, and putting it on my plate before serving himself. He did the same to the pizza that we shared. 

We have been hanging out, at first because we were the only few who got into the same "intern" among our classmates, for a few months now. I didn't know we grew that close in those few months together but apparently it is so.

We hung out without our other friends, just the two of us. We sat at the bar for 6 hours, just chatting. Something I only do with people whom I am very close with. I considered he is not. I was shocked. We shared stories and stuffs that is personal, so personal, kinda.

He touched me. Not emotionally but literally. Not intimately though, if you are wondering. I am not used to such things.

He acts as if he is so comfortable with me, I can't tell if it is genuine or not because he tells me how "fake" he is around people whom he dislikes. I can't make a stand if I should trust him or not. I can't tell if he is getting close to me for a motive or whatsoever. I can't. I am afraid of opening myself up too much because I know once I open up, it is very hard for me to accept it if he betrays my trust. I don't want to get hurt.

He is addictive, probably it's the way he acts, the way he talks, and the way he reads me so well.

Should I stay away or should I just be comfortable and go with the flow?

73: Ashamed about being a vegetarian?

I don't usually share that I'm a vegetarian and recently, I've been thinking about the reasons as to why I keep it a secretive thing. Could it be that I am ashamed about it? Or could it be that I just don't feel the need to share a fact like this because it doesn't concern anyone? I probably just hate the reaction I get from people when they first hear that I am a vegetarian.

I often try to keep it a secret that I am a vegetarian and not let people find it out unless I really have to share that fact about myself. It puzzles me very much as to why I actually do that.

I hate that I get reactions like " You are a vegetarian? Damn, you're missing out in life.", "Omg, I pity you so much because you can't taste the best things in life.", "I seriously pity you because meat is damn tasty.", "Why are you a vegetarian? Just try to eat some meat, you will convert straight away.", etc and much more along those lines. I mean, I've been a vegetarian all my life except that one time, many years ago, when my sister bought McDonald's nuggets and we secretly ate it without our parents knowing. (Gotta admit, I remembered it tasted really good. But I do not remember how it tasted like) Also, that period of time whereby I ate sausage every day in school without knowing I wasn't supposed to eat it. C'mon, I was really young then. I also ate fish crackers without knowing it wasn't vegetarian. Yup, other than all those, I haven't touched meat and never had the temptations to eat them.

Back to what I was saying, I've been a vegetarian all my life. I have grown accustomed to the diet and would definitely not have temptations to eat meat, let alone give in to temptations to wanting to eat meat. I don't need your pity because I don't even feel pitiful of myself. You should read up, being a vegetarian is actually eco-friendly. You should look into the mirror and pity yourself instead because you are not being eco-friendly.

I hate that I have to laugh it off when they start to mock/pity me because in my mind, the urge to strangle them and sew up their mouth is so fucking strong.

So, I guess why I keep being a vegetarian a "secret" is because rather than feeling ashamed, I actually hate the reactions I get from people and they start to look at me differently just because I am "different" from them. Nevertheless, I am thankful for people who accepts and respects my dietary preference, rather than mocking/pitying me. It warms my heart very much, especially when my friends are willing to go vegetarian with me when we hang out.

72: Words

Words that I couldn't get out of my mouth because of my ego, my pride.
Words that I wished I told you.
Words that I wished you knew.
Words that hurt so much.
Words that will mend everything.
Words that I wished I said.
Words that triggered everything.
Words that broke us.

The pride and ego I value so much. It ruins everything and saves everything at the same time. Sometimes it hurts to think back. Sometimes I miss the memories so much I just want to live in there. I wished things didn't turn out this way. As much as I kept saying I'm glad how everything turned out, deep down inside, I wished things turned out the other way around. I know how bad it is and I know that staying away is for the best because we are just people with totally different wavelengths.

I miss you guys.

But I know this is for the best.

71: Love yourself

It suddenly struck me that many people in this world find it hard to love themselves. Surely they do love some parts of themselves but definitely not everything. As much as I would love to reiterate that our outer appearance is just a shell and what really matters is the inside, I am one of those people who doesn't love their outer appearance enough that it eats me up every time.

I listed a whole list of the things I hate about my body, top to bottom. I did it with an intention of trying to love those flaws in another way but I ended up backspacing whatever I typed because I realised I can't and never will love them flaws.

I wish I can learn to love
my ugly hay-like hair, my hair which doesn't absorb any colours since it fades into the same shade of brown every time.
my pair of small, almost non-existent eyes.
my round face, filled with pimples and never a day with clear skin.
my ugly arms and legs filled with weird pinkish red dots with can't be cured.
my flabby arms, flabby stomach, flabby thighs.
my backne.
my small boobs.
my huge elephant thighs.
my ugly round and huge toes.
my broad feet.
my chubby fingers.

I wish I could but I couldn't find a way to love them another way.

70: Addressed

Maybe they will wonder, "why the sudden change of attitude?", "what went wrong?", "what's happening here?".

Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.

Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.

One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.

I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.

Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.

Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.

Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?

As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.

This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.

69: Breakdown

It feels like everything is falling apart.

I just finished my presentation for a module awhile ago, and it went horrendous.

I prepared so much for it. I tried memorising my script which I did, but having a script on my hand made me so automatically look at it every time. "You are just basically reading from the script", my teacher simply said while commenting on my presentation. This simple sentence hit me so hard, I feel like I'm being crumbled into many tiny pieces. 

It felt like my hard work did not paid off at all, it felt like I was accused of not knowing my work well. But what he doesn't know was that I am not suppose to be in charge of that part that I was presenting about. Everyone was assigned a role which they are suppose to focus on and only three person from the group are to present. This also meant that I had to present on a part which I wasn't assigned to focus on, other than my own part. 

Just because I did not know how to answer that question he asked me which was not that part that I was assigned to focus on, it felt like I did not contribute to the whole project at all. 

I tried so hard to make everything perfect, but I still failed in the end. I feel so thrown off, so demoralised. It's like I will never do things well. Doing everything will never be enough. So traumatised.

It's like an emotional breakdown whereby everything I do will never be enough. I thought everything will go well, everything is under my control but no, everything just started going the opposite way.

I don't know, it's just so depressing.

68: Who cares

It's been awhile. And I'm here to rant again.

One of my favourite things to do is probably writing/blogging when I'm angry/sad because almost every time I feel so much better after that. Which is why I'm always here to rant instead of sharing my happiness (that's not very good, but, well...).

I wonder what is the age when women go through menopause because I have 2 women in my house, one of them is way past that menopause stage while the other, I'm not sure. You can probably guess that I'm talking about my Grandma and Mother.

It feels like my mother is crazy. It feels like she may be depressed. Or probably just going through some normal woman process, menopause. It gets on my nerves whenever she starts raging over the littlest things and then very skillfully links those issues to my attitude (which to her is a terrible attitude problem). When she does that, she probably goes on for an hour or even the whole day, I'm not even joking. Sometimes it feels like she is depressed because, sadly, no one in the house really talks to her other than my sister. Yes, you probably already know that I have a broken family if you have been here for a long time. If not, don't be shocked because it's rather normal these days.

A little brief interlude:
Dad and mum had a really serious quarrel about a decade ago (which I shall not mention what was it about) and nearly divorced. They probably stayed together for the sake of my sister and I because we were rather young that time. Ever since then, they haven't been talking and most of the time my sister and I will be their messenger which we hate a lot because it always causes miscommunication and most of the time we get scolded for nothing since they scold each other indirectly through us (complicated but I think you can understand). So ya, they haven't been talking other than quarreling (again) once in awhile.

Let's continue with the post.

So, yeah, my sister kind of dislikes mum too because she's so damn unreasonable and probably every negative word you can name. Including evil. She's evil and I'm not even exaggerating.

The thing with my mum is that when she's in high spirits, she can say that she will give you this, give you that, buy you this, buy you that. But when she's in a bad mood/quarrels with you, she takes away everything that she has given you before. That's how stupid her actions are. Which is also where I learn to buy everything myself (unless I can't afford, which I will go to my dad for help).

It's probably rather clear by now that my mum is closer to my elder sister than she is to me. Yeah, so she buys everything for my sister and since my sister is the kindest to her, unlike me because I voice out whatever, they rarely quarrel. However, there was once when they quarreled and my mother took everything away from my sister (and even the most basic thing: giving allowance). How ridiculous. Because of that, my sister had to work like crazy just to be able to "survive". (don't get me wrong, my dad still provides our necessities just that he doesn't give my sister allowance and doesn't know about the quarrel between my mum and sister) So ya, she learnt her lesson to never trust my mother again.

My point is, I super hate my mum. Who cares if I regret this in future, but now I really hate her and this has never changed since years ago. I can't even remember the time when I actually liked my mother. Sorry to say, this is how much of a failure she is as a mum. I can't tell this to my friends because they probably won't understand and may even find it ridiculous that I hate someone who has carried me in her stomach for 9 months. Try living as me for a few months and tell me if you can stand her. Because I fucking can't.

She just quarreled with me yesterday for not replying her text (just because I was studying) and just now when she was about to head out, she fucking threw my shoes on the floor from the shoe rack. What the bloody hell. I swear, she's probably already hit my limit so many fucking times but I just breathe in breathe out and tell myself she's probably having menopause or just depressed because she really seems like a depressed patient to me. I wonder if I will one day be driven crazy by her crazy actions.

Sometimes I think she has senile dementia too because she's so damn childish, it's like her brain is deteriorating. But I would like to believe this illness doesn't happen to people at her age (I'm probably crazy to be saying this).

Save me.

67: What in the world

Disappointment floods through my body, every part of it. Having to never thought of you as the person as you are, it caught me off guard. I wished what I heard was just a bunch of lies, a joke even. Although it has only been about 2 years or so, the time spent together meant so much to me. Never a time I thought those memories meant nothing.

I wished you haven't been so narrow minded but you would probably say I don't understand what you are going through and have no rights to tell you what to feel. Being a person whom have experienced what you had, probably had it even worse than you do, I do feel like I can wholly understand what the situation put you through.

Pretense. Putting up a strong front. Acting like it didn't mattered. Living life like I was okay with everything that was happening. I had done all of those for 4 years. I suppose I have enough experience to earn me the right to say that what you are going through is not as bad as what I had gone through.

I wished you knew how much I treasure our friendship. Silly me, thought you could still be the one I turn to a few years down the road. I don't and never will understand why are you still hanging on to what happened because it wasn't as bad as you put it. It sure does look like you don't trust us enough with the friendship because you wouldn't have felt what you did for a long time. Sure, it hurts to be put through that situation. I totally understand because I have been hurt the same way. I left the people who caused me to hurt that way only because they didn't mattered (they were probably some forced friendships). But you, you meant something to me. Our friendship mattered. At least that's what I thought.

For our friendship, I would look past every negativity, every tiny little bit that may ruin the friendship the wrong way. I would. I had. Only because I treasure the friendship and don't want it to end that way. Apparently I was the only one who was willing to do that.

I wish I can "unhear" what was said to me, but I can't. Disappointment. Disgust. Confusion. Anger. Everything at once. I thought we were going to be okay at some point but after what was told to me, I got my answer: We will never be okay.

It sure does hurt but since you want it to end this way, I can't do anything. It probably made it easier for me to move on because I was utterly disgusted but there will always be a small part of me that feel sad and wasted that this friendship is over.

As much as this post looks like a self-pity post, it's not. I just feel the need to type out these thoughts since they have been eating me up.

Goodbye my friend, thanks for the memories.

66: Here we go again

Again, the need to type out a whole chunk of feelings. Before that, I am having mixed feelings about the holiday ending. I'm happy because I feel like I'm ready to work hard again (which I highly predict the streak to only last for a maximum of 1 month). However, sad because I haven't really thoroughly enjoyed my holidays (well, I spent half of it getting fat and lazing at home and the other half slogging away). I initially planned for myself to have some me-time during this holidays like going for a movie alone, shopping alone, chill in a cafe alone, etc. But I have only shopped alone for the whole 2 months long holiday :( I mean, I tried going to watch a movie alone but there just wasn't any nice movies to watch so it wasn't my fault right... As for chilling in a cafe alone, I haven't came across any nice cafes to chill at. (Trust me to come up with ridiculous explanations to convince I'm not at fault)

Moving on to my main point of this post, I feel so stuck.

I have no idea why but I seem to always get attached to people so easily. Even spending 2 days working together has made me grown attached to the staff there. What in the world??? Okay before this sounds wrong any further, by growing attached, I don't mean it romantically but just that feeling... I have no idea how to put it. It's like I feel sad because I only work with some of the staff for only 2 days and I'm gone forever. As in, I won't be scheduled at the same store again because firstly, this week is my last week (due to school reopening). Secondly, I was only scheduled at the store because they were short of staff on that 2 days. Which means there's no need for me to stay as long as they have enough staff. What's more, they have more stores which will need part-timers to cover and that's when I come in handy.

I guess I'm feeling this way because the staff there are just so friendly (except for one which we will not let her ruin the good impression of other staff). I love how they always try their best to make me feel comfortable by chatting with me (since I'm such an anti-social). I would want to visit them during my free time but it's not like I have any reasons to since I'm not THAT close with them... I feel like I've grown attached "one-sidedly". Like, to them, I'm probably just another part-timer, come and go sort of thing. God, this always happens. The more I type, the more I have no idea where I'm heading to. To simplify it, I guess I just miss working with the people I've worked with. What sucks is that they probably don't feel the same way...

65: Loner?

It's the holidays now!!! No words can describe how relieved I feel to have finally get through hell week, basically the exam week. I have been waiting for this holiday to come for so long because I've sort of have a to-do list for the entire holiday! Like, first, I have to finally hang out with my 2 favourite friends: Nadiah and Cheyenne. Then, I need to have some quality time with my Poly friends (I guess) and of course some alone time.

Is it weird that I like to be alone very much? Especially shopping. I don't know, I just kinda feel so relaxed being alone. It's like I don't have to rush for time to go home, I won't be late (because it's just myself), basically just have some alone time thinking about (or maybe reflecting on) my life, anything and everything. Honestly, I used to not be a fan of eating alone because that makes me look pathetic but I'm slowly appreciating the fact that I can eat whatever I want without burdening others (since I'm a vegetarian). Sometimes I like to chill at Starbucks with a cuppa tea and magazine or maybe read some books (haven't been reading because of exams! yikes).

Oh!!! Have I mentioned? I totally love grocery shopping alone. (omg I'm totally making myself sound like a loner) I don't know, it just feels good. It's all good until I run out of money. HAHAHA. I mean, I'm not a working adult even though I do have a part-time job which I work every weekend. Well... If you know me, you will know I have issues saving money. That's bad.

We are almost 3 months into the New Year and I haven't quite achieved any of my resolutions:
1. Jog at least once a week.
2. Hit the gym at least once a week.
3. Pack my room.
4. Don't be late for any meetings
5. Save money.

Not a lot of resolutions because, well, trying not to be ambitious! Sometimes I'm determined to go for a jog in the morning but the weather just have to go against me so I have no choice but to continue to sleep in or maybe do other things. Yeah... I'm working on my resolutions especially to not be late since I understand how much it frustrates people and also it ruins any plan.

This is a really random post but just updating this space!!! Hope you've (if there's even anybody here) enjoyed reading!

64: -

Well, I feel like I foresee another wave of shit coming in my life. Sucks so bad. I hate everyday so much it makes me wanna drown.

I thought life was getting a little better.
I thought I was getting back on track.
I thought I had gotten things in control.
Happiness sure don't last.

I hate every minute of school so much.
I hate having to put on a mask every single day.

I just want to be myself.
I actually just want to stay away from them.

Them, the people whom I thought were the ones I could lean on for a very long time.
Them, the people whom I thought would never hurt me this way.

It hurts so bad. I mean, well, maybe it's karma, I don't know. It sucks having to see them create another group without me because it just means that I'm "out". It sucks because we are drifting away and yet nothing is being done. I would do something. I would. But I don't because I guess I'm probably so sick of it. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm not good enough. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm a burden. I'm so sick of feeling left out. I'm so sick of everything that they are doing to me. I just want to run away.

It hurts so bad because I thought he understood me. I thought he would never do this to me. I hate how everything is making me overthink so much.

Do I come off as a person who doesn't mind about this kind of emotional things?

I just wanna runaway and never come back. I want to cry. I'm not okay at all.