Recently I've been doing this thing whereby I get lazy to reply people and ended up leaving conversations hanging for weeks. Though I've replied to everyone (I think), the cycle repeats after they have replied to me (leaving the conversation for a few days/weeks before I reply again). I know it's a terrible habit, I am trying to get better but sometimes it's just so hard.
I'm in this mood whereby my moods are like some crazy swing, swinging from one extreme end to the other. Sometimes it gets so mentally tiring, even I'm so tired of myself. It would be a miracle if I am still left with friends after everything.
That being said, it leads me to another point. I'm so easily pissed off by every little thing. No, not just pissed but I get crazily emotional as well! It's like I get pissed off when people obstruct me, like when taking public transport and everyone just pisses me off. Some of them just can't stop pushing when I'm already so squished I don't even have any space anymore. Also, it pisses me off when people don't control their kids in public places! Like, how can you just let them run around screaming like some unleashed mad dog? I can't fathom how parents can let their kids embarrass themselves in public like this. I'm baffled.
Recently my family has been in chaos because grandma were hospitalised for quite awhile and her situation doesn't look good. Not even now, even when she's discharged. If you don't already know, my grandmother stays under the same roof as I do, so yup, she's back at home. Now she just seems a bit senile to me. I'm sorry to say this but I'm frustrated. I'm aware I'm just a horrible person for not empathizing her but I just can't help it! Just because she heard the news that she had an ACUTE stroke and actually has recovered since it's so damn acute, she went all baby-ish. Not in a whiny way but she just digested the news that she's paralysed. ?????????? Please be reminded that she has recovered from the stroke! She lies on the bed all day long, refusing to move because she thinks she's gonna die (at least I thought that's what she thought). And the words she says are just so incoherent it frustrates me to no end!
Yes, you're probably thinking I'm a horrible person because after all, she's an elderly with sickness, it should be understandable. BUT I JUST CAN'T! I know I'm horrible too.
And the chaos continues because dad wanted me to check something about grandma's medicine which the doctor wanted her to stop consuming, I got pissy. I know I should but I did. I mean, why can't he do it himself? Does he have no eyes to look for it himself? I helped him anyway but very unwillingly. Of course he could sense it because it was all over my face and I was throwing the medicine on the table (sorry, I'm childish like that.). Then he started lecturing me on how unhelpful I am and how much of a shitty attitude I have. Well, I don't feel a sense of remorse at all.
If you know my dad, he is a fucking lazy person, pardon my language. Every little things he wants somebody to do it for him. And his stupid excuse would be "I'm tired.". Well, news flash, everybody is. You know, things just pile up. He tells my sister and I to do every single shit for him, I got so mad which led to the medicine sorting issue.
Am I wrong to have done what I did? I honestly thing I'm not wrong. Well, maybe to a certain small extent because after all he's the breadwinner and I should respect him since he's my dad. But it's just so annoying that he tells me to do every single shit.
While a part of me felt so frustrated, so pissed, another part of me feels sad because of how things have come to. It's like I'm not in good terms with any of my family members other than my sister. It makes me sad that he can just say that I have a shitty attitude when I've done so many things for him (those that he didn't ask me to do). Yes, I'm probably the current biggest bane of his existence because I am the gold digger, always getting money from him (studies wise and living expense wise). But if you think about it, if I graduate with a degree and get a decent job, he can retire peacefully as well. Isn't that for his benefit after all? (I'M SO HORRIBLE, I KNOW.)
I'm just in a really horrible state. I'm horrible, my state is horrible.
I hate that I have a family which isn't supportive like how they should be. I need a space to study at home, yet no one is willing to cooperate. It annoys me so much. My mother occupies the whole room all for herself, only living the bed for my sister and I, and a few cupboard spaces for our clothes. My study table is all taken up by her. My dad turns on the TV even when he knows he wants to sleep. He turns on and starts snoring on the sofa. ??? JUST DON'T EVEN TURN ON THE FKING TV PLS. I am a person who needs absolute quietness when it comes to studying. A little bit of noise, that's it, I'm distracted and my productivity drops to negative.
Basically, yup, nobody freaking cooperates I don't even want to live here anymore.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
82: Unofficially official
This is real. I have some sort of disorder.
No, I did not go to a professional to get it diagnosed. Self-diagnosed, relying on the internet's basis. Seems like the right thing to do.
Not only do I have some sort of disorder, my emotions are so all over the place.
I'm in a constant battle with myself daily. It's so tiring but everyday the same thing repeats.
No, I'm not at a point of suicidal. Have never been suicidal my whole life and I don't plan to be any time soon.
I hate it when passing by some places, reminds me of the past. It hurts so freaking bad. Even though nothing ever really happened between us, but because of you, because of your words, I let my guards down. For the first time in so long, I let my guards completely down and poured everything to you. I trusted you. The security I felt when you said you will always be there for me, I clung onto it. You knew I would never ever initiate something, let alone going to you when I am feeling awful. The best part is that you could somehow see through me. No matter how hard I tried keeping those emotions in, you saw right through me. It warmed my heart. It warmed my heart because you understood me. I haven't had a friend like this before, honestly.
Up till this day, I'm still very puzzled why did you just leave like this. Why did you just stop contacting me? I don't know what I have I done. It hurts so bad, so so much, especially when I'm in the dark of the reasons.
You made me let my guards down. It felt so good to let everything out for once. Yet, you left me like how the others did. You left me with nothing.
While you are probably one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, you also at the same time destroyed me. You destroyed my faith, my trust. You made me incapable of anything.
I am incapable of trusting anyone with my emotions. I was on my guard when it came to trusting people with my emotions. I wanted to trust someone with everything yet there just weren't someone appropriate. There you were, peeling me layer by layer and eventually gotten to the core of me. I wouldn't say you were exactly at the core but you were so damn close.
I had my doubts on you but for some stupid reasons, you steered my thoughts right the other way, making me banish whatever bad thoughts I had. Walls were down, floodgates were opened. Except, I didn't cry.
Now that you're gone just like that, my walls are once again up, thicker than ever.
I'm lost.
Monday, July 24, 2017
81: It hurts
For the longest time I have felt like I didn't matter to anyone at all. It's like I'm that one friend that people has yet can't get rid of. Not sure why they haven't gotten rid of me though. Probably I don't know how to make myself scarce.
Sometimes I crave the feeling of being important so much it feels like I'm chasing the sun - something I will never achieve no matter how much I try. I don't have a friend that is "with me" because it's either they already have a friend that is "with them", or they have a boyfriend. Don't we all know how this works? Once someone gets into a relationship, friendship will always come second. No matter how much they deny it and prove that they do actually spend quality time with their friends too, let's face it, almost 90% of their time is invested into their partners. I'm probably being very unreasonable here because, pardon me, I have never gotten into a relationship before. Maybe I'll never understand until I get into one, god knows when.
Anyway, it sucks feelings like an option. It feels like my friends hang out with me because they have to (since I still exist in a small part of their life). It's unfair though, to think of them that way, because I haven't got to understand how their point of view. Then again, would they even admit how little I mean to them? Probably not.
I hate how people belittle the words they say. I hate how they say things and don't mean it. Like, why even say something like we are going to visit a certain place together when you are going to end up going to that place with somebody else? You make me have expectations when you say those words, then when you do otherwise, it's like you leaving me high and dry. I know they were just words spoken, no promises. Still, they are words coming out of your mouth and please, don't say things you don't mean it because it irks me so much.
Consumed by this overwhelming emotions every god damned time, it drives me insanely insane and so tired. It sucks how overly emotional I am because I get so affected I can't think straight. It's like my entire being is ruled by my emotions and that's bad because I let my emotions do the thinking, which most of the time is stupid.
It's always the two extremes. I get either too angry or too sad and that sets my mind off. I know how extreme my emotions get and have been trying to tame them. Like, whenever I get too angry, I try to isolate myself and talk some sense into myself. Not that it helps but it calms me down enough to not do anything too stupid (because sometimes I still do stupid things, just that they're not TOO stupid...). Sadness is a thing I find hard to control. I get so sad I isolate myself automatically. Typing these feelings out seems to ease things just enough for me to get through them.
I isolate myself so much it's almost as if I'm always so sad/angry. I wish to say I'm already numb to those emotions because I get them so often but no, it never happens.
It hurts so bad I just want to feel nothing again.
Sometimes I crave the feeling of being important so much it feels like I'm chasing the sun - something I will never achieve no matter how much I try. I don't have a friend that is "with me" because it's either they already have a friend that is "with them", or they have a boyfriend. Don't we all know how this works? Once someone gets into a relationship, friendship will always come second. No matter how much they deny it and prove that they do actually spend quality time with their friends too, let's face it, almost 90% of their time is invested into their partners. I'm probably being very unreasonable here because, pardon me, I have never gotten into a relationship before. Maybe I'll never understand until I get into one, god knows when.
Anyway, it sucks feelings like an option. It feels like my friends hang out with me because they have to (since I still exist in a small part of their life). It's unfair though, to think of them that way, because I haven't got to understand how their point of view. Then again, would they even admit how little I mean to them? Probably not.
I hate how people belittle the words they say. I hate how they say things and don't mean it. Like, why even say something like we are going to visit a certain place together when you are going to end up going to that place with somebody else? You make me have expectations when you say those words, then when you do otherwise, it's like you leaving me high and dry. I know they were just words spoken, no promises. Still, they are words coming out of your mouth and please, don't say things you don't mean it because it irks me so much.
Consumed by this overwhelming emotions every god damned time, it drives me insanely insane and so tired. It sucks how overly emotional I am because I get so affected I can't think straight. It's like my entire being is ruled by my emotions and that's bad because I let my emotions do the thinking, which most of the time is stupid.
It's always the two extremes. I get either too angry or too sad and that sets my mind off. I know how extreme my emotions get and have been trying to tame them. Like, whenever I get too angry, I try to isolate myself and talk some sense into myself. Not that it helps but it calms me down enough to not do anything too stupid (because sometimes I still do stupid things, just that they're not TOO stupid...). Sadness is a thing I find hard to control. I get so sad I isolate myself automatically. Typing these feelings out seems to ease things just enough for me to get through them.
I isolate myself so much it's almost as if I'm always so sad/angry. I wish to say I'm already numb to those emotions because I get them so often but no, it never happens.
It hurts so bad I just want to feel nothing again.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
80: Have I grown up at all?
I am 99.999999% sure that I have an impacted wisdom tooth at the lower left side of my mouth. It has been hurting like a bitch for close to a week now and my gums have gone swollen (feels like it). During this period, I've learned a fair few bits about wisdom teeth and the different types of surgery for it - you can either be put to sleep or the normal way, extract it out while having anesthetic injected into your gums. Either way, it grossed the fuck out of me. Lots of different thoughts flew in my mind in all direction. Lets just say my pain threshold isn't that great. To top it off, I currently have a throat that is as sore as it could have been for the past 20 years of my life. Pretty suspicious that it is infected by my wisdom tooth bacteria.
1. How do I even brush my teeth with stitches in my mouth?
2. How am I going to eat?
3. Am I going to be swollen for days?
4. I have plans!!! How am I going to go out and see people?
5. Very less likely but, will I die?
6. Again very less likely, will I get some crazy infection from the surgery? (because I've read that there's a possibility that the blood won't stop oozing out, causing infection. Or even, caused by infection.)
7. Will it be painful after the anesthetic has worn off?
8. KILL ME ALREADY.
Sorry, I definitely sound like a pussy right now but seriously, I am beyond terrified. I just hope my mouth can stay numb until the wound has healed but no, not gonna happen. It would have probably helped if I didn't went ahead and research about wisdom tooth surgeries. But in my defense, I had to in order to find the right dental to go to. (guess what, I end up going to none of the dental clinics that I've researched on. LOL)
There are people who haven't felt any pain after the surgery and could even go out and party the next day. I think they are just lucky that their pain threshold is too damn high, or they do not have an impacted wisdom tooth. Either way, I always expect the worst for myself. (I have even been taking selfies of my wisdom tooth with flash because it's not clear in the mirror) GUESS WHAT, I PUT MY PHONE INTO MY MOUTH JUST TO TAKE THE PICTURE. LOL I'm so gross but I couldn't help it.
Anyway, I decided to stop being a pussy and booked an appointment at a Q & M dental clinic. Let's hope all goes well. I have expected the costs to be very high because upon researching, I've found the price to be really normal (>$500). Obviously I'm not gonna pay for that amount myself because hello, I'm not even working. So, thick skinned me went to ask for $$ from my dad. Very very annoyingly, I got told off. He said because I don't eat proper meals, all I eat is biscuits and other thing other than proper meals (aka rice + vege). I wanted so much to scream at him that wisdom tooth is not something that can be avoided. Different people have different teeth fate. Well, unlucky me, mine decided to be an impacted wisdom tooth rather than a tooth that grows out perfectly fine. Truth to be told, every single human (I presume) has 4 wisdom teeth. Some have 8 but the norm is 4. Some may need all 4 extracted, some may not, depending on how they have grown out.
Anyway, dad went on and gave me $100 for the tooth extraction which I then told him it wasn't enough. He continued to flare up and said how expensive can it get when it's just tooth extraction. Clearly he doesn't know what wisdom teeth needed. Enough that my dad is not understanding enough, even my mum (who has far more dental problems than my dad) didn't understood the high cost expected for wisdom tooth extraction. They keep saying that I found the wrong dentist and some rubbish about me being spendthrift came out. Really, all I wanted to do was stitch up their mouths. I'm sorry that I am completely brutal but seriously they need to stop doubting me.
Obviously I would want to save cost as much as possible while at the same time feeling secured. It's my mouth I'm talking about here, I am a fucking pussy don't mind me. It feels like they should be grateful that I haven't went on and find a specialist at Orchard or something.
My point here, I actually teared up hearing their words. It feels like to them, I'm this irresponsible kid and all I know is waste money on unnecessary stuff. It hurts. But thinking that I actually teared up hearing those words make me question myself - why did I even cry? Am I allowed to feel upset to this point just hearing those words? Feels like a total cry baby.
It would have helped if my parents were more understanding. Well, guess I would be going through this alone.
1. How do I even brush my teeth with stitches in my mouth?
2. How am I going to eat?
3. Am I going to be swollen for days?
4. I have plans!!! How am I going to go out and see people?
5. Very less likely but, will I die?
6. Again very less likely, will I get some crazy infection from the surgery? (because I've read that there's a possibility that the blood won't stop oozing out, causing infection. Or even, caused by infection.)
7. Will it be painful after the anesthetic has worn off?
8. KILL ME ALREADY.
Sorry, I definitely sound like a pussy right now but seriously, I am beyond terrified. I just hope my mouth can stay numb until the wound has healed but no, not gonna happen. It would have probably helped if I didn't went ahead and research about wisdom tooth surgeries. But in my defense, I had to in order to find the right dental to go to. (guess what, I end up going to none of the dental clinics that I've researched on. LOL)
There are people who haven't felt any pain after the surgery and could even go out and party the next day. I think they are just lucky that their pain threshold is too damn high, or they do not have an impacted wisdom tooth. Either way, I always expect the worst for myself. (I have even been taking selfies of my wisdom tooth with flash because it's not clear in the mirror) GUESS WHAT, I PUT MY PHONE INTO MY MOUTH JUST TO TAKE THE PICTURE. LOL I'm so gross but I couldn't help it.
Anyway, I decided to stop being a pussy and booked an appointment at a Q & M dental clinic. Let's hope all goes well. I have expected the costs to be very high because upon researching, I've found the price to be really normal (>$500). Obviously I'm not gonna pay for that amount myself because hello, I'm not even working. So, thick skinned me went to ask for $$ from my dad. Very very annoyingly, I got told off. He said because I don't eat proper meals, all I eat is biscuits and other thing other than proper meals (aka rice + vege). I wanted so much to scream at him that wisdom tooth is not something that can be avoided. Different people have different teeth fate. Well, unlucky me, mine decided to be an impacted wisdom tooth rather than a tooth that grows out perfectly fine. Truth to be told, every single human (I presume) has 4 wisdom teeth. Some have 8 but the norm is 4. Some may need all 4 extracted, some may not, depending on how they have grown out.
Anyway, dad went on and gave me $100 for the tooth extraction which I then told him it wasn't enough. He continued to flare up and said how expensive can it get when it's just tooth extraction. Clearly he doesn't know what wisdom teeth needed. Enough that my dad is not understanding enough, even my mum (who has far more dental problems than my dad) didn't understood the high cost expected for wisdom tooth extraction. They keep saying that I found the wrong dentist and some rubbish about me being spendthrift came out. Really, all I wanted to do was stitch up their mouths. I'm sorry that I am completely brutal but seriously they need to stop doubting me.
Obviously I would want to save cost as much as possible while at the same time feeling secured. It's my mouth I'm talking about here, I am a fucking pussy don't mind me. It feels like they should be grateful that I haven't went on and find a specialist at Orchard or something.
My point here, I actually teared up hearing their words. It feels like to them, I'm this irresponsible kid and all I know is waste money on unnecessary stuff. It hurts. But thinking that I actually teared up hearing those words make me question myself - why did I even cry? Am I allowed to feel upset to this point just hearing those words? Feels like a total cry baby.
It would have helped if my parents were more understanding. Well, guess I would be going through this alone.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
79: What's wrong
I'm doing this thing again, shutting myself from the world.
Honestly, I don't even know myself what's wrong with me.
Depressed? But, what caused it?
All I do is work, read books, watch some american dramas, watch some Youtube videos, exercise at least once a week. I don't have a social life.
I've stopped Instagram, Twitter, Dayre, Facebook, anything. I've been so rubbish at replying texts that I try to tell myself to reply any texts before I go to sleep. Not surprisingly, I've failed at that. Big time. Sometimes I wonder why do I still have friends because, let's face it, I'm a pretty damn lousy friend to anyone.
One day, it wouldn't be surprising when I lose everyone. I shut myself from everyone. I don't even talk to my sister about it. Do I need to face the reality and seek out for some professional help? But what help do I need? This phase of my life is so awfully tiring, confusing, and everything I don't want to go through.
Help myself. Can I do that? Yes, I can with a little more bit of effort put in in socialising.
What if I said I don't want a social life?
Oh God, what's happening to me.
Honestly, I don't even know myself what's wrong with me.
Depressed? But, what caused it?
All I do is work, read books, watch some american dramas, watch some Youtube videos, exercise at least once a week. I don't have a social life.
I've stopped Instagram, Twitter, Dayre, Facebook, anything. I've been so rubbish at replying texts that I try to tell myself to reply any texts before I go to sleep. Not surprisingly, I've failed at that. Big time. Sometimes I wonder why do I still have friends because, let's face it, I'm a pretty damn lousy friend to anyone.
One day, it wouldn't be surprising when I lose everyone. I shut myself from everyone. I don't even talk to my sister about it. Do I need to face the reality and seek out for some professional help? But what help do I need? This phase of my life is so awfully tiring, confusing, and everything I don't want to go through.
Help myself. Can I do that? Yes, I can with a little more bit of effort put in in socialising.
What if I said I don't want a social life?
Oh God, what's happening to me.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
78: Just one of those days
I feel so disoriented. Like, everything in my life is so out of place, everything is so horrible, everything is just awful.
I feel so horribly fat. I haven't weighed myself because I don't have the courage to. I tell myself no more snacking on Chinese New Year goods, because I will regret after that. I see myself getting fatter each day. I have a bulging stomach that I try to hide every God damn day. That's probably the only that can be hidden because my flabby thighs, huge calves, chubby face, and flabby arms cannot be. I feel so ugly, I just want to suck every disgusting unhealthy cell out of my body. Sometimes I really do wonder if I suffer from serious body image issues. I hate how I look so much. My face is bumpy as heck I don't even know how to cure them. I want to exercise but fuck me, I always forget to set the alarm for a morning jog and that's the only time I feel the best to jog. I feel so horribly disgusted by how I look and how I think, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep it off, I can't eat it off, I'm lost.
I feel so unappreciated. I spent the day yesterday baking healthy food, making healthy food. I baked a banana loaf that required no sugar at all. It was pretty alright. I also baked some chocolate chip cookies using coconut flour, which turned out disgusting because it was more of a cakey texture rather than a crunchy cookie texture. But I read in the comments and that was actually how the "cookies" were suppose to turn out. I made blueberry jam too! Again, that required no sugar, and I would say that went pretty good as well. Apart from all those beautiful successes, I feel so unappreciated because my sister doesn't eat them, nobody is eating them. I was the only one excited for whatever that I've made. I try to keep everyone so healthy by making these kind of snacks myself but all they think is what the actual fuck am I doing, why am I wasting so much money on these kind of healthier options, when in actual fact they taste the same as the cheaper and more unhealthy ones. I can't drill my concept of wanting everything as natural, as healthy as possible into their heads because they don't and won't understand.
They would think I'm crazy, wasting so much time. All I wanted was for them to enjoy these healthier things and feel guiltless, as compared to eating the unhealthy ones. But no, they don't understand and all I've done was just treated as nothing.
I just... really want to be appreciated.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so angry because of all those. I'm so angry I just want to crush something, punch the wall, everything. Probably a new discovery that I hurt myself to get over anger? But I would never get into cutting myself because I don't wanna die. I'm so angry, I just want to cry but I don't want to be a cry baby because honestly there's nothing to be crying about. I have no idea where did all these strong emotions come from, like all of a sudden I woke up this morning and I feel so horrible about not being appreciated.
Believe me, I wake up everyday feeling so ugly about my body. I try to steer my thoughts towards the "healthier side" by thinking it's about the inside. Get over how you look because at the end of the day, if you attitude is shit, you can't really get anywhere even if you have a great body. But what if I can't even do well on the inside and the outside is the only way that I can change?
All these emotions are so jumbled up and irrational, I really need help but I don't know what will cure them. God, it's so horrible.
I feel so horribly fat. I haven't weighed myself because I don't have the courage to. I tell myself no more snacking on Chinese New Year goods, because I will regret after that. I see myself getting fatter each day. I have a bulging stomach that I try to hide every God damn day. That's probably the only that can be hidden because my flabby thighs, huge calves, chubby face, and flabby arms cannot be. I feel so ugly, I just want to suck every disgusting unhealthy cell out of my body. Sometimes I really do wonder if I suffer from serious body image issues. I hate how I look so much. My face is bumpy as heck I don't even know how to cure them. I want to exercise but fuck me, I always forget to set the alarm for a morning jog and that's the only time I feel the best to jog. I feel so horribly disgusted by how I look and how I think, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep it off, I can't eat it off, I'm lost.
I feel so unappreciated. I spent the day yesterday baking healthy food, making healthy food. I baked a banana loaf that required no sugar at all. It was pretty alright. I also baked some chocolate chip cookies using coconut flour, which turned out disgusting because it was more of a cakey texture rather than a crunchy cookie texture. But I read in the comments and that was actually how the "cookies" were suppose to turn out. I made blueberry jam too! Again, that required no sugar, and I would say that went pretty good as well. Apart from all those beautiful successes, I feel so unappreciated because my sister doesn't eat them, nobody is eating them. I was the only one excited for whatever that I've made. I try to keep everyone so healthy by making these kind of snacks myself but all they think is what the actual fuck am I doing, why am I wasting so much money on these kind of healthier options, when in actual fact they taste the same as the cheaper and more unhealthy ones. I can't drill my concept of wanting everything as natural, as healthy as possible into their heads because they don't and won't understand.
They would think I'm crazy, wasting so much time. All I wanted was for them to enjoy these healthier things and feel guiltless, as compared to eating the unhealthy ones. But no, they don't understand and all I've done was just treated as nothing.
I just... really want to be appreciated.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel so angry because of all those. I'm so angry I just want to crush something, punch the wall, everything. Probably a new discovery that I hurt myself to get over anger? But I would never get into cutting myself because I don't wanna die. I'm so angry, I just want to cry but I don't want to be a cry baby because honestly there's nothing to be crying about. I have no idea where did all these strong emotions come from, like all of a sudden I woke up this morning and I feel so horrible about not being appreciated.
Believe me, I wake up everyday feeling so ugly about my body. I try to steer my thoughts towards the "healthier side" by thinking it's about the inside. Get over how you look because at the end of the day, if you attitude is shit, you can't really get anywhere even if you have a great body. But what if I can't even do well on the inside and the outside is the only way that I can change?
All these emotions are so jumbled up and irrational, I really need help but I don't know what will cure them. God, it's so horrible.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
77: I just need a reason
Sometimes I wonder why do I have to go through all these shit.
"I will always have your back." the friend said.
"Don't worry about those who left. I'm here for you." the friend said.
Little did I know, those were just simply words said over a couple of drinks. Had they been words which were spoken when tipsy? I'd never find out. As much as I hate to admit, it was kind of heartbreaking.
Since the beginning, I have always been questioning the friendship. Every time in my head. Was it a real or fake friendship?
It hurts. A little. Not gonna lie, I actually invested my genuine friendship feelings into it. I had though this friendship was hard to come by, too good to be true. I was gonna treasure it, because good things are hard to come by and when life presents it to you on a silver platter, you take it and treasure it with all you can. Maybe I was being foolish. May I've lost trust in friendships like this, I just wanted to feel again. How fortunately that this friend came along, built my trust in friendships again. Also, how unfortunately, this friend had made me lose trust once again.
Now I am back to square one, probably just a little better considering the fact that I have a clearer picture of who are the genuine people in my life. Not surprisingly, they had been the ones there since day one.
It feels like I'm just a typical troubled teen with all these friendship problems. I reckon I would have love problems on top of it if I was in a relationship. The thing is, am I still a teen with 20 years old coming on this year? Am I still allowed to have such problems?
It might seem ridiculous that I am still facing these kind of problems at this age (no, it's not exactly old but it's not exactly young either) because what I have pictured years ago, wasn't like this. (another corroboration of how expectations always lead to disappointments)
People my age would have have been matured by this age, silly friendship problems would have long gotten out of the way. Nope, those were just what I thought.
Same shit different people, they say. I couldn't agree more right now.
Am I taking this too seriously? I seem to over-react all the time. But again, every friendship to me is treated with all seriousness. Well, limiting to the fact that I do leave things hanging every once in a while. BUT. That's only because I got freaked out. When new people get too close, too fast, I bolt. I just can't.
I just need a reason to explain your actions.
"I will always have your back." the friend said.
"Don't worry about those who left. I'm here for you." the friend said.
Little did I know, those were just simply words said over a couple of drinks. Had they been words which were spoken when tipsy? I'd never find out. As much as I hate to admit, it was kind of heartbreaking.
Since the beginning, I have always been questioning the friendship. Every time in my head. Was it a real or fake friendship?
It hurts. A little. Not gonna lie, I actually invested my genuine friendship feelings into it. I had though this friendship was hard to come by, too good to be true. I was gonna treasure it, because good things are hard to come by and when life presents it to you on a silver platter, you take it and treasure it with all you can. Maybe I was being foolish. May I've lost trust in friendships like this, I just wanted to feel again. How fortunately that this friend came along, built my trust in friendships again. Also, how unfortunately, this friend had made me lose trust once again.
Now I am back to square one, probably just a little better considering the fact that I have a clearer picture of who are the genuine people in my life. Not surprisingly, they had been the ones there since day one.
It feels like I'm just a typical troubled teen with all these friendship problems. I reckon I would have love problems on top of it if I was in a relationship. The thing is, am I still a teen with 20 years old coming on this year? Am I still allowed to have such problems?
It might seem ridiculous that I am still facing these kind of problems at this age (no, it's not exactly old but it's not exactly young either) because what I have pictured years ago, wasn't like this. (another corroboration of how expectations always lead to disappointments)
People my age would have have been matured by this age, silly friendship problems would have long gotten out of the way. Nope, those were just what I thought.
Same shit different people, they say. I couldn't agree more right now.
Am I taking this too seriously? I seem to over-react all the time. But again, every friendship to me is treated with all seriousness. Well, limiting to the fact that I do leave things hanging every once in a while. BUT. That's only because I got freaked out. When new people get too close, too fast, I bolt. I just can't.
I just need a reason to explain your actions.
76: Have I changed at all?
All these reflections on 2016 got me thinking, how much have I exactly changed over the past few years?
2011, I had been a typical teenage girl, crushing on some (handsome) guy. Things did not worked out well but it has been an on and off thing for close to a year. Inside this dreamy teenage girl lies an emotional teenage girl as well. Emo tweets, attention seeking Facebook statuses, endless rants about specific people on blogger, we have all been through that (or at least I have).
I used to get so oversensitive over the littlest things, they always fuck with my head so much. I get consumed by them every damn time.
I was heartbroken (LOL), it was ridiculous considering the fact that nothing even ever started. (Told ya I was an oversensitive and over-reacting kid).
Had some stupid friendship problems too, this was normal at that age. Trust me. We were all so fucked up I'm starting to think if my generation will ever not be fucked up. Anyway, those friendship problems did not impact me as much because I kinda got used to being treated like an option, or rather, transparent.
You could tell my secondary school life was utter bullshit. I got through it anyway, so kudos to me.
2014, poly life!!! Here, I thought life was gonna change for good because I was (or still am, currently) enrolled into a course that I saw no familiar faces in. I was thrilled. Socializing all over again, which I hate with a passion even up till now, but it had to be done. Let's just say poly life was kind of shitty as well.
I'm not exactly done with it but seeing it is coming to an end, it is safe to say it's shit.
I've had my fair share of happiness but all the downs are not enough to cover up. All those downs made me remain the way I was/am. Oversensitive, over-reacting over the slightest issues, friendship problems, yada yada.
I'm still the same me, just that I don't do those embarrassing emo tweets/attention seeking Facebook statuses/ rants about specific people on blogger anymore.
I probably used more of my brain but sometimes (mostly) the heart wins.
No, actually I'm not the same me. The same me wouldn't have been so closed off to the world, she wouldn't have deleted people from her life. But I did. Over the years, I've basically become more anti-social and built up more walls.
Will I eventually be changed for the better in future? Well, who knows what the future holds.
2011, I had been a typical teenage girl, crushing on some (handsome) guy. Things did not worked out well but it has been an on and off thing for close to a year. Inside this dreamy teenage girl lies an emotional teenage girl as well. Emo tweets, attention seeking Facebook statuses, endless rants about specific people on blogger, we have all been through that (or at least I have).
I used to get so oversensitive over the littlest things, they always fuck with my head so much. I get consumed by them every damn time.
I was heartbroken (LOL), it was ridiculous considering the fact that nothing even ever started. (Told ya I was an oversensitive and over-reacting kid).
Had some stupid friendship problems too, this was normal at that age. Trust me. We were all so fucked up I'm starting to think if my generation will ever not be fucked up. Anyway, those friendship problems did not impact me as much because I kinda got used to being treated like an option, or rather, transparent.
You could tell my secondary school life was utter bullshit. I got through it anyway, so kudos to me.
2014, poly life!!! Here, I thought life was gonna change for good because I was (or still am, currently) enrolled into a course that I saw no familiar faces in. I was thrilled. Socializing all over again, which I hate with a passion even up till now, but it had to be done. Let's just say poly life was kind of shitty as well.
I'm not exactly done with it but seeing it is coming to an end, it is safe to say it's shit.
I've had my fair share of happiness but all the downs are not enough to cover up. All those downs made me remain the way I was/am. Oversensitive, over-reacting over the slightest issues, friendship problems, yada yada.
I'm still the same me, just that I don't do those embarrassing emo tweets/attention seeking Facebook statuses/ rants about specific people on blogger anymore.
I probably used more of my brain but sometimes (mostly) the heart wins.
No, actually I'm not the same me. The same me wouldn't have been so closed off to the world, she wouldn't have deleted people from her life. But I did. Over the years, I've basically become more anti-social and built up more walls.
Will I eventually be changed for the better in future? Well, who knows what the future holds.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
75: Saying sorry
It's hard to get it out of your mouth if your ego is as high as the sky. But guess what? It might just turn out to be the best thing that you've done if you just say that one simple word.
You could have saved a friendship (or any relationship).
You could have been more well-liked (just because you say the right thing at the right time).
You could have brighten up someone's day being that one of the very few who are willing to say sorry when they know it's their fault. (actually directing this more to salespersons)
Well, you could have made many more positive things happen. It's limitless.
Saying sorry doesn't have an age limit.
You can be as old as 99 years old, making a mistake and you still have to say that simple word even if it's to a person decades younger than you are.
You can be a parent but when you've done something wrong, you gotta say sorry to your kid.
You can be a customer and done something wrong, you again have to say sorry to the salesperson despite "customer is always right".
It's like we don't say sorry enough these days. Of course, I'm not saying we should say sorry every single time over the littlest or the stupidest things. Say it but at the right timing.
Maybe if people didn't value their ego so much. The world would probably be a better place.
You could have saved a friendship (or any relationship).
You could have been more well-liked (just because you say the right thing at the right time).
You could have brighten up someone's day being that one of the very few who are willing to say sorry when they know it's their fault. (actually directing this more to salespersons)
Well, you could have made many more positive things happen. It's limitless.
Saying sorry doesn't have an age limit.
You can be as old as 99 years old, making a mistake and you still have to say that simple word even if it's to a person decades younger than you are.
You can be a parent but when you've done something wrong, you gotta say sorry to your kid.
You can be a customer and done something wrong, you again have to say sorry to the salesperson despite "customer is always right".
It's like we don't say sorry enough these days. Of course, I'm not saying we should say sorry every single time over the littlest or the stupidest things. Say it but at the right timing.
Maybe if people didn't value their ego so much. The world would probably be a better place.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
74: Conflicted
A guy.
He whom I have known for close to 3 years.
He whom I have been classmates with for close to 3 years as well.
He whom I have never spoken to much, even if we have project groups.
He whom I have never thought that I would cross paths with on a personal level.
He whom I had a bad impression of, initially.
He does unexpected things like giving my birthday present when I didn't know we were at that level already. He does unexpected things like cutting the slice of mushroom that we are sharing, and putting it on my plate before serving himself. He did the same to the pizza that we shared.
We have been hanging out, at first because we were the only few who got into the same "intern" among our classmates, for a few months now. I didn't know we grew that close in those few months together but apparently it is so.
We hung out without our other friends, just the two of us. We sat at the bar for 6 hours, just chatting. Something I only do with people whom I am very close with. I considered he is not. I was shocked. We shared stories and stuffs that is personal, so personal, kinda.
He touched me. Not emotionally but literally. Not intimately though, if you are wondering. I am not used to such things.
He acts as if he is so comfortable with me, I can't tell if it is genuine or not because he tells me how "fake" he is around people whom he dislikes. I can't make a stand if I should trust him or not. I can't tell if he is getting close to me for a motive or whatsoever. I can't. I am afraid of opening myself up too much because I know once I open up, it is very hard for me to accept it if he betrays my trust. I don't want to get hurt.
He is addictive, probably it's the way he acts, the way he talks, and the way he reads me so well.
Should I stay away or should I just be comfortable and go with the flow?
He whom I have known for close to 3 years.
He whom I have been classmates with for close to 3 years as well.
He whom I have never spoken to much, even if we have project groups.
He whom I have never thought that I would cross paths with on a personal level.
He whom I had a bad impression of, initially.
He does unexpected things like giving my birthday present when I didn't know we were at that level already. He does unexpected things like cutting the slice of mushroom that we are sharing, and putting it on my plate before serving himself. He did the same to the pizza that we shared.
We have been hanging out, at first because we were the only few who got into the same "intern" among our classmates, for a few months now. I didn't know we grew that close in those few months together but apparently it is so.
We hung out without our other friends, just the two of us. We sat at the bar for 6 hours, just chatting. Something I only do with people whom I am very close with. I considered he is not. I was shocked. We shared stories and stuffs that is personal, so personal, kinda.
He touched me. Not emotionally but literally. Not intimately though, if you are wondering. I am not used to such things.
He acts as if he is so comfortable with me, I can't tell if it is genuine or not because he tells me how "fake" he is around people whom he dislikes. I can't make a stand if I should trust him or not. I can't tell if he is getting close to me for a motive or whatsoever. I can't. I am afraid of opening myself up too much because I know once I open up, it is very hard for me to accept it if he betrays my trust. I don't want to get hurt.
He is addictive, probably it's the way he acts, the way he talks, and the way he reads me so well.
Should I stay away or should I just be comfortable and go with the flow?
Saturday, November 12, 2016
73: Ashamed about being a vegetarian?
I don't usually share that I'm a vegetarian and recently, I've been thinking about the reasons as to why I keep it a secretive thing. Could it be that I am ashamed about it? Or could it be that I just don't feel the need to share a fact like this because it doesn't concern anyone? I probably just hate the reaction I get from people when they first hear that I am a vegetarian.
I often try to keep it a secret that I am a vegetarian and not let people find it out unless I really have to share that fact about myself. It puzzles me very much as to why I actually do that.
I hate that I get reactions like " You are a vegetarian? Damn, you're missing out in life.", "Omg, I pity you so much because you can't taste the best things in life.", "I seriously pity you because meat is damn tasty.", "Why are you a vegetarian? Just try to eat some meat, you will convert straight away.", etc and much more along those lines. I mean, I've been a vegetarian all my life except that one time, many years ago, when my sister bought McDonald's nuggets and we secretly ate it without our parents knowing. (Gotta admit, I remembered it tasted really good. But I do not remember how it tasted like) Also, that period of time whereby I ate sausage every day in school without knowing I wasn't supposed to eat it. C'mon, I was really young then. I also ate fish crackers without knowing it wasn't vegetarian. Yup, other than all those, I haven't touched meat and never had the temptations to eat them.
Back to what I was saying, I've been a vegetarian all my life. I have grown accustomed to the diet and would definitely not have temptations to eat meat, let alone give in to temptations to wanting to eat meat. I don't need your pity because I don't even feel pitiful of myself. You should read up, being a vegetarian is actually eco-friendly. You should look into the mirror and pity yourself instead because you are not being eco-friendly.
I hate that I have to laugh it off when they start to mock/pity me because in my mind, the urge to strangle them and sew up their mouth is so fucking strong.
So, I guess why I keep being a vegetarian a "secret" is because rather than feeling ashamed, I actually hate the reactions I get from people and they start to look at me differently just because I am "different" from them. Nevertheless, I am thankful for people who accepts and respects my dietary preference, rather than mocking/pitying me. It warms my heart very much, especially when my friends are willing to go vegetarian with me when we hang out.
I often try to keep it a secret that I am a vegetarian and not let people find it out unless I really have to share that fact about myself. It puzzles me very much as to why I actually do that.
I hate that I get reactions like " You are a vegetarian? Damn, you're missing out in life.", "Omg, I pity you so much because you can't taste the best things in life.", "I seriously pity you because meat is damn tasty.", "Why are you a vegetarian? Just try to eat some meat, you will convert straight away.", etc and much more along those lines. I mean, I've been a vegetarian all my life except that one time, many years ago, when my sister bought McDonald's nuggets and we secretly ate it without our parents knowing. (Gotta admit, I remembered it tasted really good. But I do not remember how it tasted like) Also, that period of time whereby I ate sausage every day in school without knowing I wasn't supposed to eat it. C'mon, I was really young then. I also ate fish crackers without knowing it wasn't vegetarian. Yup, other than all those, I haven't touched meat and never had the temptations to eat them.
Back to what I was saying, I've been a vegetarian all my life. I have grown accustomed to the diet and would definitely not have temptations to eat meat, let alone give in to temptations to wanting to eat meat. I don't need your pity because I don't even feel pitiful of myself. You should read up, being a vegetarian is actually eco-friendly. You should look into the mirror and pity yourself instead because you are not being eco-friendly.
I hate that I have to laugh it off when they start to mock/pity me because in my mind, the urge to strangle them and sew up their mouth is so fucking strong.
So, I guess why I keep being a vegetarian a "secret" is because rather than feeling ashamed, I actually hate the reactions I get from people and they start to look at me differently just because I am "different" from them. Nevertheless, I am thankful for people who accepts and respects my dietary preference, rather than mocking/pitying me. It warms my heart very much, especially when my friends are willing to go vegetarian with me when we hang out.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
72: Words
Words that I couldn't get out of my mouth because of my ego, my pride.
Words that I wished I told you.
Words that I wished you knew.
Words that hurt so much.
Words that will mend everything.
Words that I wished I said.
Words that triggered everything.
Words that broke us.
The pride and ego I value so much. It ruins everything and saves everything at the same time. Sometimes it hurts to think back. Sometimes I miss the memories so much I just want to live in there. I wished things didn't turn out this way. As much as I kept saying I'm glad how everything turned out, deep down inside, I wished things turned out the other way around. I know how bad it is and I know that staying away is for the best because we are just people with totally different wavelengths.
I miss you guys.
But I know this is for the best.
Words that I wished I told you.
Words that I wished you knew.
Words that hurt so much.
Words that will mend everything.
Words that I wished I said.
Words that triggered everything.
Words that broke us.
The pride and ego I value so much. It ruins everything and saves everything at the same time. Sometimes it hurts to think back. Sometimes I miss the memories so much I just want to live in there. I wished things didn't turn out this way. As much as I kept saying I'm glad how everything turned out, deep down inside, I wished things turned out the other way around. I know how bad it is and I know that staying away is for the best because we are just people with totally different wavelengths.
I miss you guys.
But I know this is for the best.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
71: Love yourself
It suddenly struck me that many people in this world find it hard to love themselves. Surely they do love some parts of themselves but definitely not everything. As much as I would love to reiterate that our outer appearance is just a shell and what really matters is the inside, I am one of those people who doesn't love their outer appearance enough that it eats me up every time.
I listed a whole list of the things I hate about my body, top to bottom. I did it with an intention of trying to love those flaws in another way but I ended up backspacing whatever I typed because I realised I can't and never will love them flaws.
I wish I can learn to love
my ugly hay-like hair, my hair which doesn't absorb any colours since it fades into the same shade of brown every time.
my pair of small, almost non-existent eyes.
my round face, filled with pimples and never a day with clear skin.
my ugly arms and legs filled with weird pinkish red dots with can't be cured.
my flabby arms, flabby stomach, flabby thighs.
my backne.
my small boobs.
my huge elephant thighs.
my ugly round and huge toes.
my broad feet.
my chubby fingers.
I wish I could but I couldn't find a way to love them another way.
I listed a whole list of the things I hate about my body, top to bottom. I did it with an intention of trying to love those flaws in another way but I ended up backspacing whatever I typed because I realised I can't and never will love them flaws.
I wish I can learn to love
my ugly hay-like hair, my hair which doesn't absorb any colours since it fades into the same shade of brown every time.
my pair of small, almost non-existent eyes.
my round face, filled with pimples and never a day with clear skin.
my ugly arms and legs filled with weird pinkish red dots with can't be cured.
my flabby arms, flabby stomach, flabby thighs.
my backne.
my small boobs.
my huge elephant thighs.
my ugly round and huge toes.
my broad feet.
my chubby fingers.
I wish I could but I couldn't find a way to love them another way.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
70: Addressed
Maybe they will wonder, "why the sudden change of attitude?", "what went wrong?", "what's happening here?".
Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.
Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.
One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.
I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.
Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.
Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.
Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?
As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.
This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.
Believe me, I do question myself too. Deep down, I know there are a few reasons but I just can't put it into a proper way of saying it because they probably don't make any sense.
Out of place, unimportant, replaceable, sick of everything.
One. No, you do not get to call me every day and just suddenly stop. No, you do not get to do that and want me to act like I'm okay with it. No, you do not get to do that especially the reason you stopped calling is because you found another person and probably decided that I was too boring for you.
I do not have a crush on you. I just grew accustomed to that "routine", and when you suddenly stopped, it felt like I was so easily discarded. I felt lost. I did not expect you to stay for that long because I know I am a boring person, to begin with. I have this annoying habit of killing conversations every time. You stayed, however. But now to think of it, you probably stayed because you had yet found another to replace me.
Two. Maybe I'm being petty, but I honestly hate it so much when people keep making a joke out of my dietary preference (I'm a vegetarian, in case you don't already know) and it's even worse when they start telling me to eat meat jfc it's tasty af, they say. I know, it's all just a joke. Like, hey girl come on don't be so uptight it's all friendly stuff here no harm intended. I perfectly understan where they are coming from but I guess sometimes it just starts to get a tad too annoying and all I wanna do is to stuff something in their mouths to shut them up.
Three. You know that feeling when you know that this person/group of people is just not for you? Like, the way they do things, the way they talk, etc. I am not the friend for him/them, neither are they the friends for me. I am a girl, with curfews, with strict dietary preferences, with super lacking skills of communication, lacking in everything and anything. But, them, they fit perfectly with one another. I am just an outcast. Becasue of me they become limited to the kinds of food they eat. They become limited to places they go. We do not fit.
Four. A friendship is not a friendship if it's built up like this. It is then only an acquaintance. A friendship is a friendship when we share our problems (2 ways), understands each other, knows what genuinely annoys the fuck out of the other person, many other things that includes understanding and compromising. Yes, I totally get the part about teasing my dietary preferences because they probably did it since there aren't anything else to say. They probably did it to keep the conversation going. But let me tell you, in my world, this is no friendship. Atrue friend would not encourage you to go against your parents just because they want to stay out late and you can't. A true friend is a true friend if he/she helps to steer you onto the right path instead of they other way. Since I already know this is neither a friendship nor how a true friend should be acting, isn't it only right for me to leave? I mean, there's no point isn't it?
As much as it hurts to stay away because after all, they are, ironically, they people who brough most joys in my life for the past few months. As much as it hurts to stay away, it had to be done.
This is a waste of time. I am too tired to care anymore.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
69: Breakdown
It feels like everything is falling apart.
I just finished my presentation for a module awhile ago, and it went horrendous.
I prepared so much for it. I tried memorising my script which I did, but having a script on my hand made me so automatically look at it every time. "You are just basically reading from the script", my teacher simply said while commenting on my presentation. This simple sentence hit me so hard, I feel like I'm being crumbled into many tiny pieces.
It felt like my hard work did not paid off at all, it felt like I was accused of not knowing my work well. But what he doesn't know was that I am not suppose to be in charge of that part that I was presenting about. Everyone was assigned a role which they are suppose to focus on and only three person from the group are to present. This also meant that I had to present on a part which I wasn't assigned to focus on, other than my own part.
Just because I did not know how to answer that question he asked me which was not that part that I was assigned to focus on, it felt like I did not contribute to the whole project at all.
I tried so hard to make everything perfect, but I still failed in the end. I feel so thrown off, so demoralised. It's like I will never do things well. Doing everything will never be enough. So traumatised.
It's like an emotional breakdown whereby everything I do will never be enough. I thought everything will go well, everything is under my control but no, everything just started going the opposite way.
I don't know, it's just so depressing.
It's like an emotional breakdown whereby everything I do will never be enough. I thought everything will go well, everything is under my control but no, everything just started going the opposite way.
I don't know, it's just so depressing.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
68: Who cares
It's been awhile. And I'm here to rant again.
One of my favourite things to do is probably writing/blogging when I'm angry/sad because almost every time I feel so much better after that. Which is why I'm always here to rant instead of sharing my happiness (that's not very good, but, well...).
I wonder what is the age when women go through menopause because I have 2 women in my house, one of them is way past that menopause stage while the other, I'm not sure. You can probably guess that I'm talking about my Grandma and Mother.
It feels like my mother is crazy. It feels like she may be depressed. Or probably just going through some normal woman process, menopause. It gets on my nerves whenever she starts raging over the littlest things and then very skillfully links those issues to my attitude (which to her is a terrible attitude problem). When she does that, she probably goes on for an hour or even the whole day, I'm not even joking. Sometimes it feels like she is depressed because, sadly, no one in the house really talks to her other than my sister. Yes, you probably already know that I have a broken family if you have been here for a long time. If not, don't be shocked because it's rather normal these days.
A little brief interlude:
Dad and mum had a really serious quarrel about a decade ago (which I shall not mention what was it about) and nearly divorced. They probably stayed together for the sake of my sister and I because we were rather young that time. Ever since then, they haven't been talking and most of the time my sister and I will be their messenger which we hate a lot because it always causes miscommunication and most of the time we get scolded for nothing since they scold each other indirectly through us (complicated but I think you can understand). So ya, they haven't been talking other than quarreling (again) once in awhile.
Let's continue with the post.
So, yeah, my sister kind of dislikes mum too because she's so damn unreasonable and probably every negative word you can name. Including evil. She's evil and I'm not even exaggerating.
The thing with my mum is that when she's in high spirits, she can say that she will give you this, give you that, buy you this, buy you that. But when she's in a bad mood/quarrels with you, she takes away everything that she has given you before. That's how stupid her actions are. Which is also where I learn to buy everything myself (unless I can't afford, which I will go to my dad for help).
It's probably rather clear by now that my mum is closer to my elder sister than she is to me. Yeah, so she buys everything for my sister and since my sister is the kindest to her, unlike me because I voice out whatever, they rarely quarrel. However, there was once when they quarreled and my mother took everything away from my sister (and even the most basic thing: giving allowance). How ridiculous. Because of that, my sister had to work like crazy just to be able to "survive". (don't get me wrong, my dad still provides our necessities just that he doesn't give my sister allowance and doesn't know about the quarrel between my mum and sister) So ya, she learnt her lesson to never trust my mother again.
My point is, I super hate my mum. Who cares if I regret this in future, but now I really hate her and this has never changed since years ago. I can't even remember the time when I actually liked my mother. Sorry to say, this is how much of a failure she is as a mum. I can't tell this to my friends because they probably won't understand and may even find it ridiculous that I hate someone who has carried me in her stomach for 9 months. Try living as me for a few months and tell me if you can stand her. Because I fucking can't.
She just quarreled with me yesterday for not replying her text (just because I was studying) and just now when she was about to head out, she fucking threw my shoes on the floor from the shoe rack. What the bloody hell. I swear, she's probably already hit my limit so many fucking times but I just breathe in breathe out and tell myself she's probably having menopause or just depressed because she really seems like a depressed patient to me. I wonder if I will one day be driven crazy by her crazy actions.
Sometimes I think she has senile dementia too because she's so damn childish, it's like her brain is deteriorating. But I would like to believe this illness doesn't happen to people at her age (I'm probably crazy to be saying this).
Save me.
One of my favourite things to do is probably writing/blogging when I'm angry/sad because almost every time I feel so much better after that. Which is why I'm always here to rant instead of sharing my happiness (that's not very good, but, well...).
I wonder what is the age when women go through menopause because I have 2 women in my house, one of them is way past that menopause stage while the other, I'm not sure. You can probably guess that I'm talking about my Grandma and Mother.
It feels like my mother is crazy. It feels like she may be depressed. Or probably just going through some normal woman process, menopause. It gets on my nerves whenever she starts raging over the littlest things and then very skillfully links those issues to my attitude (which to her is a terrible attitude problem). When she does that, she probably goes on for an hour or even the whole day, I'm not even joking. Sometimes it feels like she is depressed because, sadly, no one in the house really talks to her other than my sister. Yes, you probably already know that I have a broken family if you have been here for a long time. If not, don't be shocked because it's rather normal these days.
A little brief interlude:
Dad and mum had a really serious quarrel about a decade ago (which I shall not mention what was it about) and nearly divorced. They probably stayed together for the sake of my sister and I because we were rather young that time. Ever since then, they haven't been talking and most of the time my sister and I will be their messenger which we hate a lot because it always causes miscommunication and most of the time we get scolded for nothing since they scold each other indirectly through us (complicated but I think you can understand). So ya, they haven't been talking other than quarreling (again) once in awhile.
Let's continue with the post.
So, yeah, my sister kind of dislikes mum too because she's so damn unreasonable and probably every negative word you can name. Including evil. She's evil and I'm not even exaggerating.
The thing with my mum is that when she's in high spirits, she can say that she will give you this, give you that, buy you this, buy you that. But when she's in a bad mood/quarrels with you, she takes away everything that she has given you before. That's how stupid her actions are. Which is also where I learn to buy everything myself (unless I can't afford, which I will go to my dad for help).
It's probably rather clear by now that my mum is closer to my elder sister than she is to me. Yeah, so she buys everything for my sister and since my sister is the kindest to her, unlike me because I voice out whatever, they rarely quarrel. However, there was once when they quarreled and my mother took everything away from my sister (and even the most basic thing: giving allowance). How ridiculous. Because of that, my sister had to work like crazy just to be able to "survive". (don't get me wrong, my dad still provides our necessities just that he doesn't give my sister allowance and doesn't know about the quarrel between my mum and sister) So ya, she learnt her lesson to never trust my mother again.
My point is, I super hate my mum. Who cares if I regret this in future, but now I really hate her and this has never changed since years ago. I can't even remember the time when I actually liked my mother. Sorry to say, this is how much of a failure she is as a mum. I can't tell this to my friends because they probably won't understand and may even find it ridiculous that I hate someone who has carried me in her stomach for 9 months. Try living as me for a few months and tell me if you can stand her. Because I fucking can't.
She just quarreled with me yesterday for not replying her text (just because I was studying) and just now when she was about to head out, she fucking threw my shoes on the floor from the shoe rack. What the bloody hell. I swear, she's probably already hit my limit so many fucking times but I just breathe in breathe out and tell myself she's probably having menopause or just depressed because she really seems like a depressed patient to me. I wonder if I will one day be driven crazy by her crazy actions.
Sometimes I think she has senile dementia too because she's so damn childish, it's like her brain is deteriorating. But I would like to believe this illness doesn't happen to people at her age (I'm probably crazy to be saying this).
Save me.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
67: What in the world
Disappointment floods through my body, every part of it. Having to never thought of you as the person as you are, it caught me off guard. I wished what I heard was just a bunch of lies, a joke even. Although it has only been about 2 years or so, the time spent together meant so much to me. Never a time I thought those memories meant nothing.
I wished you haven't been so narrow minded but you would probably say I don't understand what you are going through and have no rights to tell you what to feel. Being a person whom have experienced what you had, probably had it even worse than you do, I do feel like I can wholly understand what the situation put you through.
Pretense. Putting up a strong front. Acting like it didn't mattered. Living life like I was okay with everything that was happening. I had done all of those for 4 years. I suppose I have enough experience to earn me the right to say that what you are going through is not as bad as what I had gone through.
I wished you knew how much I treasure our friendship. Silly me, thought you could still be the one I turn to a few years down the road. I don't and never will understand why are you still hanging on to what happened because it wasn't as bad as you put it. It sure does look like you don't trust us enough with the friendship because you wouldn't have felt what you did for a long time. Sure, it hurts to be put through that situation. I totally understand because I have been hurt the same way. I left the people who caused me to hurt that way only because they didn't mattered (they were probably some forced friendships). But you, you meant something to me. Our friendship mattered. At least that's what I thought.
For our friendship, I would look past every negativity, every tiny little bit that may ruin the friendship the wrong way. I would. I had. Only because I treasure the friendship and don't want it to end that way. Apparently I was the only one who was willing to do that.
I wish I can "unhear" what was said to me, but I can't. Disappointment. Disgust. Confusion. Anger. Everything at once. I thought we were going to be okay at some point but after what was told to me, I got my answer: We will never be okay.
It sure does hurt but since you want it to end this way, I can't do anything. It probably made it easier for me to move on because I was utterly disgusted but there will always be a small part of me that feel sad and wasted that this friendship is over.
As much as this post looks like a self-pity post, it's not. I just feel the need to type out these thoughts since they have been eating me up.
Goodbye my friend, thanks for the memories.
I wished you haven't been so narrow minded but you would probably say I don't understand what you are going through and have no rights to tell you what to feel. Being a person whom have experienced what you had, probably had it even worse than you do, I do feel like I can wholly understand what the situation put you through.
Pretense. Putting up a strong front. Acting like it didn't mattered. Living life like I was okay with everything that was happening. I had done all of those for 4 years. I suppose I have enough experience to earn me the right to say that what you are going through is not as bad as what I had gone through.
I wished you knew how much I treasure our friendship. Silly me, thought you could still be the one I turn to a few years down the road. I don't and never will understand why are you still hanging on to what happened because it wasn't as bad as you put it. It sure does look like you don't trust us enough with the friendship because you wouldn't have felt what you did for a long time. Sure, it hurts to be put through that situation. I totally understand because I have been hurt the same way. I left the people who caused me to hurt that way only because they didn't mattered (they were probably some forced friendships). But you, you meant something to me. Our friendship mattered. At least that's what I thought.
For our friendship, I would look past every negativity, every tiny little bit that may ruin the friendship the wrong way. I would. I had. Only because I treasure the friendship and don't want it to end that way. Apparently I was the only one who was willing to do that.
I wish I can "unhear" what was said to me, but I can't. Disappointment. Disgust. Confusion. Anger. Everything at once. I thought we were going to be okay at some point but after what was told to me, I got my answer: We will never be okay.
It sure does hurt but since you want it to end this way, I can't do anything. It probably made it easier for me to move on because I was utterly disgusted but there will always be a small part of me that feel sad and wasted that this friendship is over.
As much as this post looks like a self-pity post, it's not. I just feel the need to type out these thoughts since they have been eating me up.
Goodbye my friend, thanks for the memories.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
66: Here we go again
Again, the need to type out a whole chunk of feelings. Before that, I am having mixed feelings about the holiday ending. I'm happy because I feel like I'm ready to work hard again (which I highly predict the streak to only last for a maximum of 1 month). However, sad because I haven't really thoroughly enjoyed my holidays (well, I spent half of it getting fat and lazing at home and the other half slogging away). I initially planned for myself to have some me-time during this holidays like going for a movie alone, shopping alone, chill in a cafe alone, etc. But I have only shopped alone for the whole 2 months long holiday :( I mean, I tried going to watch a movie alone but there just wasn't any nice movies to watch so it wasn't my fault right... As for chilling in a cafe alone, I haven't came across any nice cafes to chill at. (Trust me to come up with ridiculous explanations to convince I'm not at fault)
Moving on to my main point of this post, I feel so stuck.
I have no idea why but I seem to always get attached to people so easily. Even spending 2 days working together has made me grown attached to the staff there. What in the world??? Okay before this sounds wrong any further, by growing attached, I don't mean it romantically but just that feeling... I have no idea how to put it. It's like I feel sad because I only work with some of the staff for only 2 days and I'm gone forever. As in, I won't be scheduled at the same store again because firstly, this week is my last week (due to school reopening). Secondly, I was only scheduled at the store because they were short of staff on that 2 days. Which means there's no need for me to stay as long as they have enough staff. What's more, they have more stores which will need part-timers to cover and that's when I come in handy.
I guess I'm feeling this way because the staff there are just so friendly (except for one which we will not let her ruin the good impression of other staff). I love how they always try their best to make me feel comfortable by chatting with me (since I'm such an anti-social). I would want to visit them during my free time but it's not like I have any reasons to since I'm not THAT close with them... I feel like I've grown attached "one-sidedly". Like, to them, I'm probably just another part-timer, come and go sort of thing. God, this always happens. The more I type, the more I have no idea where I'm heading to. To simplify it, I guess I just miss working with the people I've worked with. What sucks is that they probably don't feel the same way...
Moving on to my main point of this post, I feel so stuck.
I have no idea why but I seem to always get attached to people so easily. Even spending 2 days working together has made me grown attached to the staff there. What in the world??? Okay before this sounds wrong any further, by growing attached, I don't mean it romantically but just that feeling... I have no idea how to put it. It's like I feel sad because I only work with some of the staff for only 2 days and I'm gone forever. As in, I won't be scheduled at the same store again because firstly, this week is my last week (due to school reopening). Secondly, I was only scheduled at the store because they were short of staff on that 2 days. Which means there's no need for me to stay as long as they have enough staff. What's more, they have more stores which will need part-timers to cover and that's when I come in handy.
I guess I'm feeling this way because the staff there are just so friendly (except for one which we will not let her ruin the good impression of other staff). I love how they always try their best to make me feel comfortable by chatting with me (since I'm such an anti-social). I would want to visit them during my free time but it's not like I have any reasons to since I'm not THAT close with them... I feel like I've grown attached "one-sidedly". Like, to them, I'm probably just another part-timer, come and go sort of thing. God, this always happens. The more I type, the more I have no idea where I'm heading to. To simplify it, I guess I just miss working with the people I've worked with. What sucks is that they probably don't feel the same way...
Monday, February 22, 2016
65: Loner?
It's the holidays now!!! No words can describe how relieved I feel to have finally get through hell week, basically the exam week. I have been waiting for this holiday to come for so long because I've sort of have a to-do list for the entire holiday! Like, first, I have to finally hang out with my 2 favourite friends: Nadiah and Cheyenne. Then, I need to have some quality time with my Poly friends (I guess) and of course some alone time.
Is it weird that I like to be alone very much? Especially shopping. I don't know, I just kinda feel so relaxed being alone. It's like I don't have to rush for time to go home, I won't be late (because it's just myself), basically just have some alone time thinking about (or maybe reflecting on) my life, anything and everything. Honestly, I used to not be a fan of eating alone because that makes me look pathetic but I'm slowly appreciating the fact that I can eat whatever I want without burdening others (since I'm a vegetarian). Sometimes I like to chill at Starbucks with a cuppa tea and magazine or maybe read some books (haven't been reading because of exams! yikes).
Oh!!! Have I mentioned? I totally love grocery shopping alone. (omg I'm totally making myself sound like a loner) I don't know, it just feels good. It's all good until I run out of money. HAHAHA. I mean, I'm not a working adult even though I do have a part-time job which I work every weekend. Well... If you know me, you will know I have issues saving money. That's bad.
We are almost 3 months into the New Year and I haven't quite achieved any of my resolutions:
1. Jog at least once a week.
2. Hit the gym at least once a week.
3. Pack my room.
4. Don't be late for any meetings
5. Save money.
Not a lot of resolutions because, well, trying not to be ambitious! Sometimes I'm determined to go for a jog in the morning but the weather just have to go against me so I have no choice but to continue to sleep in or maybe do other things. Yeah... I'm working on my resolutions especially to not be late since I understand how much it frustrates people and also it ruins any plan.
This is a really random post but just updating this space!!! Hope you've (if there's even anybody here) enjoyed reading!
Is it weird that I like to be alone very much? Especially shopping. I don't know, I just kinda feel so relaxed being alone. It's like I don't have to rush for time to go home, I won't be late (because it's just myself), basically just have some alone time thinking about (or maybe reflecting on) my life, anything and everything. Honestly, I used to not be a fan of eating alone because that makes me look pathetic but I'm slowly appreciating the fact that I can eat whatever I want without burdening others (since I'm a vegetarian). Sometimes I like to chill at Starbucks with a cuppa tea and magazine or maybe read some books (haven't been reading because of exams! yikes).
Oh!!! Have I mentioned? I totally love grocery shopping alone. (omg I'm totally making myself sound like a loner) I don't know, it just feels good. It's all good until I run out of money. HAHAHA. I mean, I'm not a working adult even though I do have a part-time job which I work every weekend. Well... If you know me, you will know I have issues saving money. That's bad.
We are almost 3 months into the New Year and I haven't quite achieved any of my resolutions:
1. Jog at least once a week.
2. Hit the gym at least once a week.
3. Pack my room.
4. Don't be late for any meetings
5. Save money.
Not a lot of resolutions because, well, trying not to be ambitious! Sometimes I'm determined to go for a jog in the morning but the weather just have to go against me so I have no choice but to continue to sleep in or maybe do other things. Yeah... I'm working on my resolutions especially to not be late since I understand how much it frustrates people and also it ruins any plan.
This is a really random post but just updating this space!!! Hope you've (if there's even anybody here) enjoyed reading!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
64: -
Well, I feel like I foresee another wave of shit coming in my life. Sucks so bad. I hate everyday so much it makes me wanna drown.
I thought life was getting a little better.
I thought I was getting back on track.
I thought I had gotten things in control.
Happiness sure don't last.
I hate every minute of school so much.
I hate having to put on a mask every single day.
I just want to be myself.
I actually just want to stay away from them.
Them, the people whom I thought were the ones I could lean on for a very long time.
Them, the people whom I thought would never hurt me this way.
It hurts so bad. I mean, well, maybe it's karma, I don't know. It sucks having to see them create another group without me because it just means that I'm "out". It sucks because we are drifting away and yet nothing is being done. I would do something. I would. But I don't because I guess I'm probably so sick of it. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm not good enough. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm a burden. I'm so sick of feeling left out. I'm so sick of everything that they are doing to me. I just want to run away.
It hurts so bad because I thought he understood me. I thought he would never do this to me. I hate how everything is making me overthink so much.
Do I come off as a person who doesn't mind about this kind of emotional things?
I just wanna runaway and never come back. I want to cry. I'm not okay at all.
I thought life was getting a little better.
I thought I was getting back on track.
I thought I had gotten things in control.
Happiness sure don't last.
I hate every minute of school so much.
I hate having to put on a mask every single day.
I just want to be myself.
I actually just want to stay away from them.
Them, the people whom I thought were the ones I could lean on for a very long time.
Them, the people whom I thought would never hurt me this way.
It hurts so bad. I mean, well, maybe it's karma, I don't know. It sucks having to see them create another group without me because it just means that I'm "out". It sucks because we are drifting away and yet nothing is being done. I would do something. I would. But I don't because I guess I'm probably so sick of it. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm not good enough. I'm so sick of feeling that I'm a burden. I'm so sick of feeling left out. I'm so sick of everything that they are doing to me. I just want to run away.
It hurts so bad because I thought he understood me. I thought he would never do this to me. I hate how everything is making me overthink so much.
Do I come off as a person who doesn't mind about this kind of emotional things?
I just wanna runaway and never come back. I want to cry. I'm not okay at all.
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